Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
HunterAlpha1 8
i like the smell and taste of garlic, but that would be a bit much.
KiddNYC1O 22
If it seeps trough the skin when eaten, imagine actually wearing it.
berkeleyjake 13
So what? I love the smell of garlic. Ooh even better, tell her vampires hate the smell of steak and people who have had sex in the last 12 hours
Special_Psycho 8
That's genius! I gotta keep that in mind in case I get a crazy girlfriend who has some irrational fear like that!
PinkPitbull04 3
Loco!!
nonnicus 2
Hhhuuu
Frogfreak05 4
vampires are real. believe me or not, they are but they definatly not like twilight ones haha, anyway, but they are real, believe me
drunkandfml 11
Well did you find out if she was team Edward or team Jacob?
leahmae88 7
Well, that's a sure way to repel everyone around her, not just vampires.
jayzyone 4
Yeah either that or she wants to to get the hell out but lacks nerve to tell you
Special_Psycho 8
OK, three things: 1. Vampires are real but they aren't magical animated corpses that get destroyed in sunlight or sparkle 2. Garlic has no effect on vampires cos if it did I can think of some people who'd be dead by now 3. Drench your idiot wife with soapy water ASAP!