Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
beef25967 2
That sucks.
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
rldostie 19
I agree. This seems like a legitimate mental disorder that can progressively get worse if she doesn't seek help.
XxDevilxXGt 26
I wouldn't say it's a mental disorder, and there's no need to treat her like that. I could say the same about all Christian people and that they need to seek therapy too for believing in magical places, there's no difference. You just need to talk to her somehow and explain how wrong she is.
Jessiegirl122 7
Speaking as a Christian, I don't believe in any "magical places"... I don't know where you got that from.
RaggleFrock 13
72-Speaking as a logical person I assume he meant heaven. Op tell your wife to get a grip.
twinkiefeets 17
I can't rationally listen to you considering you have burn notice listed as one of your favorite shows.
ninjadinos 14
Burn notice is a ******* awesome show.
Demonfish 14
At least she'll be safe from mosquitoes, and burglars :)
dinorider_fml 4
Yes, because we all know burglars and Mosquitos are scared of onions
sarah6786 14
*garlic.
dinorider_fml 4
Oop, guess I should've read the twilight books so I would know that
ICastillo 25
Are kidding me #52 everyone knows that garlic is deadly to the classic vampires.
darkhakai 18
52: Or you could have just read the FML.
Demonfish 14
Mosquitoes actually are repelled by garlic, and as for the burglars part, well it depends on the burglar :)
desoto96 9
Not if the burglar is a Hispanic! They freaking love garlic! (I'm hispanic)
whosindahouse 9
I love garlic. I don't see what's wrong with this. (Sarcasm. Except for the first part)
Ainarr 29
She probably met Edward Cullen. I'd do the same thing if I met him.
DrDilllonReese 12
Lady*
KrazieKleo 13
You mean douchebag don't you?
bandeek 30
*fairy
fmlallthetyme 23
*Cedric Diggory
Ainarr 29
I don't think people got the gist that I was meaning I'd try to keep that sparkling shit away from me. Oh well.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
stormchaser24 24
Tell her to carry a gun with silver bullets or a cross instead.
zero91 4
silver bullets with gun only works on werewolves . try burning the vampire or splash holy water on it or my personal favourite beheading
TheDrifter 24
I'm fairly sure the silver bullet is for werewolves. I've got a couple here I'm considering trying out on the neighbor's Pomeranian to see if they work on all canines.
MDTeddy 13
What does a silver arrow do? Yes, there is such a thing.
Inheritance 10
What you need is a silver bullet with a wooden core. That way it works on both vampires and werewolves.
LolPieRofl 11
How bout a wooden stake with silver tips, that way you could launch it into a vampire or werewolve.
allforyoux3 25
I don't think letting her carry a loaded weapon is such a good idea.
SoylentCandycorn 10
Silver arrows only worked on Ganon, but light arrows are far more effective and fabulous.
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
Anything with a good dismembering factor should work.
yousuck44 11
Omg this sound like trueblood.
alunamoon 7
actually guys, in some interpretations of the vampire mythos, vampires also have an aversion to silver in the same way that werewolves have classically been thought to have.
VioletRaven1 8
Ahh for werewolves right cause if vampires exsist they must to right haha jks lol
rs89 20
#6, this one is expected. No, OP should tell her that yes they do exist, but they controlled the media to show people false weaknesses and thus false weapons and this is how they're going to rule someday. Soon.
NagainaFier 16
10- may e I'm just being a nit-picker here, but I'm pretty sure if you behead ANYTHING, it is going to die instantly. Except chickens and cockroaches.
Iniezian 18
Tell her that a good but often unheard of way to repel vampires is to have sex 7 times a day.
Posthuman 26
OP's wife: "how does this repel vampires?" OP: "it shows we're too busy ******* to be drained of blood! Duh!"
ebonyirony 29
7 times? god I can barely get my guy to do two.
Welshite 40
And here I thought it was onion powder that kept vampires away! Now I have to go wash my clothes again... Does anyone know where there's a garlic powder sale?
alycion 39
I will send you some. Bring Italian, I keep plenty of garlic of all forms handy at all times.
emeraldisle 30
I still don't understand why vampires are so popular lately.
supportcommand 17
Because the majority of people are weak minded and impressionable. Thank Hollywood for forcing their garbage upon us.
xNephilim 19
Oh the nerve... Hollywood put a gun to your head and forced you to watch vampire related stuff? How awful, you should consider a lawsuit.
emeraldisle 30
Even 3,000 miles away, I can still feel Hollywood's influence.
iwadasn 33
I don't understand why everyone is blaming Twilight for the vampire craze. Vampire myths have been popular for centuries.
whosindahouse 9
Then they put some "hot" guys in it and everyone has a fascinated with them.
iceliebedich 7
one of my classmates actually thinks that I'm a vampire -.- just because I'm pale, my eyes are naturally golden and sometimes they turn a medium red, I'm ALWAYS cold, and he never sees me eat real food. I get how he gets that impression but I'm not a vampire!
xNephilim 19
Are you sure, 124? How are we supposed to know you're not just trying to make us think you're not a vampire? O_ô
0RedPenguin0 8
The lady's nuts. Hopefully she doesn't start thinking that you're a vampire, which wouldn't be surprising if this escalates. Get her to a doctor, and tell her some better, less weird ways to scare of vampires