Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
5sonic 22
She's a keeper :D Good luck op
LetsBeRealistic 3
Lets get realistic here. U couldnt see in the time before u married her that she could possibly lack the mental capacity to understand simple such as that? Why marry someone ur gonna complain about? Get over it. U did it to urself
Posthuman 26
You marry them because you love them? Duh? Yeah you can complain about someone all you want, but if you love them, you love them, not choose someone with a little more sanity
TheNewGuy03 29
66 -- actually, there are plenty of occasions in which the partner in the relationship doesn't reveal certain negative aspects of their being until after they've tied the knot. She could have chosen now to do so, but there were likely other (less obvious) indications that something of this nature could occur. However, as the years go by, you will find a lot of less-than-palatable things in your partner, some of which are deadly to a relationship. 77 -- love is certainly necessary to have in a relationship, but, in my opinion, it takes a lot more than that -- it is merely the "glue" that holds two people together. It is fairly easy to fall in love with someone, but you can't have missing pieces, because there will be nothing to hold together. TL; DR. :(
dancer4life143 13
How ridiculous of her! If she watched The Vampire Diaries she'd know that vampires can only be killed with a wooden stake through the heart, getting their heart ripped out, or burning in the sun, so she's wasting her time with the garlic.
Calingaladha 21
Only garlic is one of the oldest vampire repellants in the book. Not saying they're real, just saying the garlic practice is much older than The Vampire Diaries.
NagainaFier 16
Because TVD is, without question, the end all, be all, of vampire mythology. Thank you for clearing that up.
emibear331 4
Ydi for marrying a deranged woman in the first place
Lena234 8
Remind her not to go out at night.. That's when the 'vampires' strike! O_o
Lionesse 15
Why would the Husband allow the delusion to carry on?.... I think the Husband needs to hand her a straight jacket.. If he won't, society will.
xmaximusx 12
Wow
asamir 11
This is called the Twilight Syndrome. Better seek therapy.
skittlesmeep 4
You married her cause she's a crazy hot, right? just add holy water to perfume instead of garlic lol.... gl?
icemand90 17
look on the bright side, she doesn't like twilight :)