Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
pdp_fml 21
You could try to start eating kimchee all the time. That would make you smell of garlic and you wouldn't notice her smell as much.
bwzwally8 15
Aw man that stinks...
charlieo88 3
wait... are YOU a vampire? But seriously, she might be having an affair. After a rendezvous a little garlic powder to cover his cologne and a "fear" of vampires to explain the garlic
Czech_Zidane 14
Tell her that the Holy Cross helps too. Still better for you if she starts to wear a necklace with Holy Cross that this FML.
TheNewGuy03 29
I would recommend a hefty dose of Castlevania, but I don't think it would help much in this scenario. Do what you can for your wife, as it seems a bit trying. Hopefully it doesn't become too burdensome.
Freakophiliac 12
It all would be okay, if she wasn't so damn smelly...
noisebox 1
She's never been the same since the brain injury....
othehugemanatee 8
Did you explain to her that vampires have to be invited in to your home? I mean, there are rules about these things...
SpearD 4
Maybe she put some garlic in your clothes too
kittykat31 1
Stupid is as stupid does