Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
theoldman 22
Plus they'll be so mortified, the thought of sharpening his pencil in her sharpener will be so far off the table because they will be so embarrassed.
MikaykayUnicorn 36
I agree, I hope OP did something about it and didn't just let this slide. They must be really dumb if they thought their parents wouldn't understand. How do they think they were made?
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
ALittleFreak 15
#24 you are hilarious
TheGreenEyedWolf 13
That won't work...even if they think OP can't understand, they're still using that kind of language right in front of him. Embarrassment is sort of off the table, if you ask me.
ThrottleJockey 36
For a parent, embarrassment is one of the most potent weapon, that's LEGAL!
lunaangel 14
im honestly just wondering how old she is and if her age is on the clock . because if it is holy shit shut it down ... that sorta made sense
Sir_ND_Pity 35
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Break his pencil if it gets anywhere near her sharpener! That'll learn him a thing or two :)
enxhi96 21
*teach not learn :)
danceinconverse 25
Or teach her about safe pencil sharpening and let them make their own choices about their stationary supplies :) If they really want to have sex, they're going to have sex. If all you do is violently discourage it, they'll just be sneaker about it and probably be unsafe about it.
jake_braves 25
OP, you should tell her that sometimes when you're sharpening a pencil that the lead breaks off and there's no going back.
dada124 8
Are you suggesting the mother should break the boy's penis?
RandKP 21
Actually #56 enxhi96, while that usage hasn't been common for over a century now, it is correct usage of the word "learn."
nevereyes 31
Um the ****? If they wanna have sex then they can, just teach em how to do it safely.
kaylocca 20
#88 that depends on their age actually.. Kids are having sex younger and younger.
BrotherPhil 35
not really, we're just admitting that they are.
Grisha_fml 18
best suggestion ever!
cupcakebruh 21
#88, it really depends on the age, because in a lot of states its illegal for children under a certain age (between 11-15) to have sex. Its considered rape because at that age, usually they aren't fully aware of what they're doing/what sex means, and therefore cannot consent to it.
Lisa_Kdubz 20
My only question is why the hell didn't you put a stop to it or at least say something?!?
warrior2 20
How old is your daughter? If she's telling him that, maybe it's time for a serious talk with her.
interesting33 37
I agree, it sounds like something a 13 year oold or 14 year old might do but the implication that they are sleeping together is worrying, depending on how old they are.
xx000o 27
If she's talking that way it's probably too late for the "serious" talk and more likely time for the prevention talk.
scyth3s 13
I'm 24 and I definitely use euphemisms like this all the time, and my gf thinks it's hilarious. You don't have to be less than 14 to enjoy stupid euphemisms.
brezzyanna 17
True, but most older teenagers realize that their parents know what they're talking about and it wouldn't be worrying for adults to be having sex.
1010110100101101 18
Tell him if his pencil gets near her sharpener, he won't have to worry about it ever being sharp again
ciammmm 11
Or let her know her sharpener needs to wait and not threaten the genitals of a young boy?
Valiantonias 12
Tell him if his pencil goes near her sharpener, you'll break the lead off.
HerWrongHole247 18
DDDDDDDDDDDD
c0ffeeb3an 15
Clearly when looking for a boyfriend sharpness wasn't on her wish list.
HoboRain 16
Hence the need for a sharpener
c0ffeeb3an 15
Thank you, captain obvious.
guesswhatlifesux 14
The girl is the one saying that.
alitairi 18
#16, and if the daughter is a 14 year old freshman, or even middle schooler? Sometimes it's inappropriate to let that sort of thing happen.
born_hustla 26
Play the game with them. Tell them that no pencil is allowed in your house. And the sharpener shall be out of commission- grounded until further notice. Gotta Step up mom!
foxpug 24
Wow! Last time I heard that euphemism, I fell off my dinosaur laughing. No wonder she got caught.
Jayms_fml 32
XD Good one!
Tripartita 45
How much further did they go with that particular euphemism? "Great, I can't wait for your sharpener to make my pencil nice and short." "…" "What?" "Never mind, just drop it."