Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
prodigy2013 4
Next time say something like, "the more you sharpen it the shorter it gets" while starring him dead in the eyes
LevelupKid 8
how old are they?
GrumpyGrinch 23
You are too old, if its you got the aneurysm, not him - one way ticket down the stairs.
sugarshugar 11
Was he "giving her the time"? (Catcher in the Rye reference)
capnjacksparrow 7
Maybe its time to erase the friend
Tannasgh 22
I might be tempted to show him my "pencil shortener" aka vegetable knife...
mattyiscool123 26
That's a pretty horrible euphemism if you think about it
nuckibug 4
you might have failed as a parent.
yeongji 31
I would have made a crude euphemism about how you couldn't wait to see your husband tonight to let him put his "pencil" in your "sharpener". That would have made them stop immediately.
RandKP 21
OP, YDI for letting carry on in front of you like that.