Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
lunaangel 14
That is def the worst /most hilarious dirty talk ever . She needs a sharpener because she obviously is dull if she thinks a mother (who has both had sex and grew up around the least sensored time in history and made a baby) wouldn't figure out the poory disguised euphemisms. just wow. mind=blown. i fear for the human race
Joshawott 21
If I were you, I would have replied with something like "Now I need an eraser to get rid of that mental image". Sure, we say "rubber" in the UK, but if I went with that, the Americans on this site would say that's what the pencil-head needs :P
plum_lovin 28
Just grab the pencil from her/his hand and say "Careful, if I catch you with your pencil anywhere near her sharpener *breaks pencil* it might get broken...".
Cbryguy86 3
yep because as a parent you can't do a thing... oh wait I got the backwards.
randommanwill 11
I bet he's the sort of kid who had a pot leaf bumper sticker and no car on which to attach it.
Jreiter18 3
who cares let them **** you weird bitch
vedad 3
That s the upbringing you gave her.You deserved it
LovingLifeGurl 7
I would not have allowed her to get away with that. You need to have a serious conversation with her.
foreverfukt 15
It sounds like you daughter is having sex with this friend. Just in case you're too old to understand what they were talking about :)
jjstuec 5
If I had a daughter I'd adopt my daughter if she said a **** thing like that