Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
pixelatedandroid 6
Everyone is jumping straight to 'ground the girl and castrate the boy' but am I the only one who thinks that the parents should just give them the sex talk? I'm assuming that they're at least 16. Hoping, more like it.
DaniealThePope 18
You shouldn't block them ( unless they are to young). Just make sure your child isn't being pressured into doing something they don't want to. Also tell them to use protection.
brenton490 19
The awkwardness that could happen if she really just meant he could use his pencil sharpener. Because his pencil broke at home so he didn't bring a pencil but a pen.
seriously1738 8
How old are these children
bobsanction 18
"If his pencil gets anywhere near your sharpener, I'm gonna snap it in half."
chosha_fml 27
I can't help but wonder if she was trying to get a rise out of you, just so she could stare at you wide-eyed at you and say, "What, mum? I was just taking about stationary. Get your mind out of the gutter."
0clairebaire 18
Better not have been anatomy they were studying ^_^
audreyflas 8
Euphemisms make for wonderful metaphors these days...
protoskore 27
the thing to do at such a moment is to reminisce about the time daddy put his pencil in mom's sharpener 5 times ... last night (last 2 words to be said while staring daughter in the eyes)
straymondar 10
Damn dude u got me ****** up???the next time they're both around u, start using words that might horrify, or embarrass them, or just make things really awkward.