Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
I can't stand leg puns! 23
I understand that it's important and all, but it's re-read it the FML with "euphemism" and "aneurysm" swapped around XD But seriously though, FYL
Jetix7402 22
Next time that happens give them the raised eyebrows and say 'have fun' then wink
ssnow_fml 20
Just put an actual pencil sharpener down and tell him to stick his pencil in there, not your daughter. Then kick both their asses.
RoseLich 17
You'll make an excellent parent.
samsam23t 8
how old is your daughter? if they are,16-17+ its time to give her the talk about contraceptives and what not. anything under still talk to her about why she is too young to do that, how much work it will be if she does end up having a baby or an std, and how she will have no sex life there as after if either situation comes to fruition because the std will make no one want her ( depending on if its curable) make sure she has a visible or invisible (invisible meaning you go all James bond on there Butt's by trailing at least 10-15 feet behind them when they go place and any place you see him disrespecting her you can call a "time out" by texting her discretely to explain to her on the side lines away from him to be like that's not appropriate) "chaperone"next time they hang out or say that every 10 minutes you study with this particular friend you will come into check on them. So that way they are not sneaking around behind your back and at least you know she'll be safe not make any decision or get into any situations that are too emotionally scaring or socially too off putting.
NorthernNoise 7
If she's not mature enough to say sex and have you know what's going on (in your home) she's not old enough for sex.
RoseLich 17
I feel bad for you. Your daughter's just a bit stupid, but I wouldn't recommend calling her out on it. Just like the man who can understand Chinese and knows what the Szechuan staff thinks of him, you have a secret weapon. Use it wisely and when you're bored.
ulissey_fml 22
She is subconsciously sending you a very clear message, and expects you to react to it. My sex talk was age 13. Not too early , as it turned out, if things are told with love and respect for what can be heard or what questions are hard to word out, and answers are given with deep thinking and truthfulness. That is a part of parenting that mustn't be avoided.
TeacherTeacher 11
I concur. Your daughter wants you to intervene, but doesn't know how to ask so she's fishing for a response from you. Time to break out the bananas and the condoms.
staminprime 12
I mean, I personally just would have told her that she isn't studying with him any more, and that she isn't gonna be having sex with someone whose dick is thin as a pencil.
Mathalamus 25
if it were me, i would tell them to be responsible and safe about sex. if they want it, they can have it. responsibly.
kelzo33 7
If they're that dumb as to think you wouldn't realize, how are they even considering sharpening?