Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
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Top comments
Steffi3 40
If you know what they're talking about, just call her out on it. I mean, you are the parent
GokuSS400 18
100% agree with everyone proposing op embarrass her daughter. Now if that doesn't work…start playing along and tell them about how you were sharpening her father's pencil the other night ;) (not only would she be mortified that mom is trying to sound cool by playing along, but hearing about your parents' sex lives is one thing a child NEVER wants to encounter; 2 birds one stone)
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Comments (104)
TCKM416 15
I remember when my boyfriend started throwing out euphemisms that we had made up in front of my mom. She didn't notice (I think/hope), but I nearly killed him
turdwrangler 18
On the flip side at least the were trying to be discreet. If it were my daughter I'd be telling the "friend" that if he came near my daughter again I'd put my "foot" in his "ass".
T_Seg_101 18
I guess it's time to learn about the birds and the bees... Be wise condomise!
sighlifeman 12
what tf
yenze 18
Brings a whole new meaning to calling someone pencil dick.
hoosiergirl94 31
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I didn't even know people still used pencils that needed sharpening
Kitouran 30
Seriously? You don't know ANYONE who uses a non-mechanical pencil. Sure, Jan.
Lyshandra 8
I'd bang a eggs cutter on the table and say " I have an Eraser for you if there is a need for". I think the kids will understand. Btw, an eggs cutter is a beautyful present for every new BF of your daughter, they always cry of happiness when we present them one!
chazzywazzy654 22
Maybe that's her way of hinting that they are more than friends?
colorfulequines 6
Nooooo, really? You think so?
ThrottleJockey 36
You're a quick one #26.
Youtube_Troll 12
Please tell me you slapped the shit out of your daughter after her friend left. Please also tell me you told his parents and they slapped the shit out of him.
interesting33 37
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
#27 - slapping is not okay. I think it is so wrong what the friend and the daughter were doing but still, slapping is physical abuse.
brocho 26
#34 Slapping is NOT physical abuse. Of course, if you did it too hard or too much it might be, but when your little brat gets out of control it can be the prefect tool.
InfiniteSunshine 32
#45 Yes, slapping IS physical abuse. You are laying your hand on another person in an aggressive manner. Physical abuse- defined as the use of physical force that may result in bodily injury, PHYSICAL PAIN, or impairment. It may include but is not limited to such acts as striking (with or without an object), hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, shaking, slapping, kicking, pinching, and burning. Seriously, if you slap someone and they charge you with assault. Is your defense to the cops going to be like "Nah, it wasn't abuse or assault, cause I only slapped them."
laden_swallow09 35
And yet it's the only way to get the stupid out of some people...
deathshead 19
stupid is like a blood stain... it never comes out...
thenetflox 4
For one , we have no idea how old the daughter is she could be 17 or 18 which is the usual age where people start having sex. And two, you'd slap the shit out of your kid for talking about sex? Here is an idea , TALK TO YOUR KID. jesuschrist
interesting33 37
A girl slapped my sister once - unprovoked attack - and she got a night in a jail cell to teach her a lesson. It is abuse and it is illegal.
GeeThatSucks 9
I'm so ******* mad at this. not only did you just say to hit a minor, you said "slap the shit of her". you said to go and beat on a minor for being sexually active. and then people upvoted you and downvoted anyone that pointed out how retarded this is. I don't care who you are but we do not " slap the shit" out of people when ******* WORDS EXIST.
Gatashablan 7
Why not put a pencil and a sharpener in a condom or something with humor with few advices like "stay safe", "stop using crude euphemism in front of me"...whatever you like, it will sets few rules to respect each other and keeping privacy at home. It's useless to threat her boyfriend, that's part of our life.
lexielou07 18
What if OP's daughter is barely a teenager, say 13 or 14? Would you honestly give your 13 y/o a condom and say, "Stay safe!"? Sounds like OP needs to sit down and have a talk with her daughter rather than encourage this behavior.
Gatashablan 7
That's exactly my point. Not every parents is at ease with the sex talk. It might be embarrassing so i just imagined a smooth way to tell few word about it with humor, being cautious and take responsability because they might got babies, catch AIDS and respect each other. At the age of 13-14, they are smart enough to understand the risk if you explain. The most important part there is the talk. I prefer to tell them everything like the Norway show "pubertet" rather than forbad it because if you do, they will hide and see each other again.