Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
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Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
DXHawk 1
MANswers
love1026 6
would the plural of Jehovas witness be witn-eye?... Jehovas Witn-eye...
Rainy_Dayz2012 0
It's Jehovah's WITNESSES you idiot.
outoftown 27
How inflammatory! Is your dad off his meds?
whatthefreshhell 15
come on children, **** off. They knock on your for, boohoo. cry me a ******* river... this is why people don't go out in service anymore.
j_cat187 20
How can I be of assistance?
666toxic 0
Y'all r ridiculous they knock on ur door to talk to u about what's gonna happen don't answer if u don't like it period it's ur business if you don't n ur life with it they don't even threaten you so why even bother hurting them? Oh iight y'all make sense grow up
whatthefreshhell 15
right? they don't force you to answer the door, or listen
Axipiter 24
56, did you actually understand a word dat wuz sed dere?
lmfaoincanada 9
Your english makes me cross eyed. Grab a dictionary, or an english teacher... It'd help..
666toxic 0
Sorry ur so damn proper niga cuz I ain't ur prob what? 40 or something that u cant understand slang?....smh no comment
GothicAngel17 24
For some reason the word 'muff' stood out to me, and now my head is filled with unpleasant images D:
ChakatBlackstar 29
I'm a little weirded out by how many people are okay with setting people on fire, no matter how annoying they are. That's a horrible way to die. Seriously, shame on you people.
MakeTodayADTR 20
It's a joke...
totheforest84 4
If you're in America they aren't legal on cars or your house... I've looked into it.
RedPillSucks 33
I'm a bit concerned as to why you felt the need to look that up.
totheforest84 4
it was ten years ago and I was in the later part of my teens, there had been a lot of car jackings in my area and thought it was fitting way to go for the **** bags that think it is OK to drag someone out of their car.
MakeTodayADTR 20
*knock knock* "Hi sir, have you found *Fires up anti-Jehovah torch* JESUS!!"