Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
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Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
myztwenty8 4
it's not that hard I can do stuff like that
TheMathMajor 26
*goes to urban dictionary to look up "muff"*
Piet1991 7
Wow, I remember this. Think it was a Johannesburg based company who did it. Ten years ago it was a pretty ridiculous idea, as car jackers in South Africa would just shoot you through the fire anyway. But I like the jehova angle.
tj4234 36
you know Jehovah's Witnesses only come to your house because they had a database saying that you are not part of their church. If you tell them that you don't want to be part of their church, they have to remove you from the list. A friend of mine who is a Jehovah's Witness told me that...
foshizzle82 7
Even when they do come to your house, they're nothing short of friendly and kind, I have found. I just tell them I am not interested and they go on their merry way!
tj4234 36
that's what I was getting at. Telling them you are not interested will mean that they won't come back.
Geraldinehoney 11
That's not true cause when I was little and they came to my door they would come at least 5 times a month the same people
Dnigz13 4
That's awsome lol
indifferentx 5
Burn mothafucka, burn! :D
mikepzz 27
I want to shake your dads hand!
4Sharks 4
In the words of Axel: BURN, BABY! Nah, but J. Witnesses are not Christian.
kepler0221 2
We are more Christian that all of you idiots condoning the burning of members of our religion. I wasn't aware there were so many hitlers out there
bpickett18 16
Not Christian? Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Jesus and believe Jesus is the Christ. Therefore they are Christians. People need to learn what Jehovah's Witnesses believe instead of making assumptions and looking like an idiot when they're wrong.
isamisis 9
That will give new meaning to 'the fires of hell'. You should help him.
elmck20 4
Where's my "like" button?