Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
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Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
kkrivicky 6
i must say #131there are different parts of Africa which hopefully you understand and if your using the internet and commenting on this page then you really cant count for the awful parts of Africa that you obviously dont live in
FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29
Not a bad idea.
Phishhed44 2
And just WHY would anyone think that emulating some dumbass apefricans was a smart thing? Gheesh.
nachosbabygurl 9
most people just dnt answer the door
schalk 12
That was actually never legalized in South Africa. They made some improvements which cut it down to almost nothing. They later actually just went for purses and cellphones since people never bother to blacklist them. The high risk areas have signs now warning you along with improved traffic flow, plus women are allowed to skip red lights late at night
Caguko 4
I wish my dad were like yours.
dvojplisen 25
Your dad's so ******* great!
bluebirdflyaway 6
you people are all idiots.
Geraldinehoney 11
LOL this is totally something my mom would want to do she hates them epsically when they come knocking on our door
Hahli Moore 13
I'm gonna be knocked out there are e
Hahli Moore 13
holy crap, I was walking down my stairs with this app open, and my phone somehow posted this random sentence. please overlook it. I think it may be a recent text I sent. smh