Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Dumbass
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
He's a very naughty boy
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Survivor
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Amazing idea, idiot
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Public menace
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
DarkHelmet 10
Yeah; that actual is a noble cause
desoto96 9
My grandparents are Jehovah's witnesses. They no longer speak to us because they hate my father and because my family is Christian. Definitely a noble cause in my book.
NerdsWillRule 3
Umm. I'm a Jehovah's Witness and your family isn't hated because of that. We don't hate because of people's religion. Frankly we don't hate at all.
whatthefreshhell 15
Pretty sure Hitler thought that about the Jews (and many other people) and look how well that ended.
zandalee 20
Indeed! I agree. Am soooo sick of haters.
Axipiter 24
Anyone else immediately think of Noble Actual after reading 23's comment?
Notimetobleed 14
Vel, funker det beste for alle! ;)
Carmstro 13
23- what's an actual and where can I get one? More specifically, where can I get the ones that are two in one actuals and noble causes?
Jaxx66 21
31- yeah, it gets pretty scary. I don't know if all the 'sects' are like that. But as far as I know once you get thrown out of if you refuse to join, they aren't allowed to speak with you anymore. The religion is literally considered a 'cult'. I don't know why you got thumbed down. It's true and very prevalent. My sister and I just called a 'cult help' hotline two days ago to set up an intervention. This guy she knows (who only talks to her because he's trying to convert her. He says he isn't allowed to speak with outsiders otherwise. Unless he works with them, then minimally) has been banned from talking to his entire family and he still follows it. It's some scary shit.
MatFHorn97 1
Exactly. Why do people insist we're a cult, and say we hate everyone who isn't in our religion? Seriously people, we are nothing but nice to you all. Yet we are still hated. People need to open their eyes.
NeonPopRocks 14
One time, two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door. I went and answered it, and when I said hello, they barged right in, trying to shove their shit onto me. Never ever even open the door if you know their there, they will invite themselves in.
TrueTriage 16
Alright people come on... I'm a JW and joking or not this is kinda rough.
Jonah171 12
97 - Well as long as you don't come barging into my house trying to convert me you're all good in my book. ;3 really though. don't.
slipmaster 6
id just like to say they dont need to "sell" us their religion.
jlentriken 8
We don't want you knocking on our doors.
jarsah 0
I don't know where you get your information but JWs are not a "cult" or a "sect" they are just as much Christians as any other Christian religion maybe you people should do some research before you spout off hate comments with info you got from some random friend who knows nothing or your pastor who will tell you anything to keep you from listening to another religious point of view.
haymann 5
That is not true. Just because your grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses doesn't mean they hate your parents. I am one and we don't hate other religions just because they don't believe the same things as us.
haymann 5
Where did you her that? That is not true at all. We aren't a cult. We are allowed to talk to people that aren't in our religion. We don't try and convert people, just tell them the truth about the bible. Please, before you go making crazy statements, make sure they are true.
benhd1 14
52 Jehovah's Witnesses were prosecuted in the holocaust as well
grim57 1
60.. Yes
quazimozart 19
My grandparents won't talk to my dad or mom bc they're disfellowshipped
Lost_Girl4 5
He's doing the world a favor
GuessWhatKids 13
"People annoy us, so it's okay for us to kill them." What the **** is wrong with you?
jaredofmo 22
SCARE them off, not KILL them. Pretty sure OP's dad isn't THAT crazy.
GuessWhatKids 13
29 - Ahh, my mistake. I had just read "burning" from #1 so that put images in my head ;P
WritingWrongs 8
-25, very mature attitude anyway. I wish there were more people with the same thought process on fml.
FlamingTacos 7
I'd use it to fight off spiders and zombies
CadillacPimpen 6
And to keep the tacos flaming!
WritingWrongs 8
Don't forget those goddamn creepers.
SlenderMann 10
117- Your name fits you perfectly. You just wrote a wrong. This is FML. Don't make minecraft references here.
gc327072 31
"Oh, I've found Jesus alright!" *roast*
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
kalexx_fml 7
This one kid I knew saw them coming, so he really quickly drew swastikas and all these anti-religious things on himself in marker, and when he answered the door they ran away crying XD
stfuNOWplease 6
Greeting them naked is not as awesome as having them watch you ********** on your couch. (past fml)
HayleyVampire 5
Actually us jw's like it when you answer the door naked it gives us something to laugh at
EnterSandman_fml 20
I saw the JWs coming once while I was in the process of cleaning my .45 revolver. Let's just say I quickly reassembled it and made sure they saw me tuck it into my pants at the hip. "Never can be too sure with all the zombies starting to come out of the cemetery next door," I said. This was five years ago and they haven't been back since.
lukemack 4
I use to be a jw for 15 years now I hate that religion
HighGTurn 12
You got your brains back. Congrats
BekBek_fml 17
At least you'll be somewhat prepared for any zombie apocalypse situation...
GothicAngel17 24
Zombie Mormons are what come to mind. Oh god that's horrible, I'm having nightmares about them tonight.
buck33 14
59 - Why exactly do zombie Mormons come to mind?
GothicAngel17 24
62- Because I had a brain fart, that's why.
buck33 14
Fair enough.
oj101 33
For some reason, the BURN! meme comes into mind...
SavingRyansPvts 4
Sounds like there's never a dull moment around him at least! That's probably not a good thing though..
Sulkiva 2
Let the fires of damnation rain down!! or... Sideways. ;D
Mideoyeo 12
Your dad sounds pretty cool!