Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
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Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
dajojonater 3
This sounds more like your life is awesome.
LappDance 16
Tell your dad to come on over to Utah, there's plenty of them here.
kut17 11
Mormons are not Jehovas Witnesses.
whatthefreshhell 15
praise Allah, amirite?
stronghand0331 17
51- How bout no...
generationaliya 7
Clearly 51 knows shit-all about the different religions
stormyandlovey 10
I'm Mormon and we definitely are not JW. and 51- that's Muslim. not Mormon.
TheyCallMeDamien 18
I see a charge of arson, 2nd degree burns, and possibly some skin grafts in your future.
Fuzzymonkey2013 7
That. Is. Genius.
iwadasn 33
If he gets arrested for harming someone with it, won't this make you an accomplice?
sharksfan48 13
Badass dad
X_Codes 11
IMO, a totally rational response to seeing that on TV.
yolo95 5
your dad sounds like a badass. wish my dad was that cool!
MrsKitty86 9
Force me? Psssh, I'd help! Hahaha
TrailblazerSS 5
Pretty soon there will be commercials for them. I'll take two, please.
RedPillSucks 33
The wonco witness repellant. Just 14 payments of $19.95. Operators are standing by. Act now and we'll throw in the burn kit for free.