Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding." This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML
Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML
Today, I came home to see my dad sitting in his car. I thought it'd be fun to sneak up on him. He was filming himself on his phone, ranting about "fighting like hell" and "a storm coming." He had his baseball cap on backwards, probably because the front had the name of our town in Wales on it. FML
Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML
Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML
Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML
Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML
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Top comments
snakerake 10
I thought a mid-life crisis was when a person tried to recapture their youth, not just being a crazy person.
dragonstrike94 8
Hey don't joke about that "they" might hear you
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Comments (162)
z3n_fml 0
He just cares about you all and want you all to be safe
Damn_Hippster 11
Hey, at least your prepared for the zombie apocalypse!
Muslimgal92 0
Yeah. When the apocalypse happens you'll be thanking him, you ungrateful B. :)
zurisbloodyrose 0
this wasn't going in the direction I thought it was..I thought he was planning on starting a rave.
n_epic_fail 14
That sounds less like "midlife crisis" and more like "I'm preparing for WW3." at least you can be reassured his ass won't be the first one down for the count...
soccerguy2 11
All he needs now is a shotgun and a rocking chair.
youcunthole 0
Take a picture of your room then put it in front of the camera, mission impossible stuff right there
blackheart24 10
It would be so cool if zombies took over.
taera 8
I think he has the right idea. The outside world is a scary place. You have to interact with other players, grind experience, and level professions.
gardenwhipped3 14
Sounds like he needs some George Jones too... "I don't need your rockin' chair"
osiris39p 3
Looks like someone's been playing mw3
IvantheGrinch 5
I did that too, better be safe than sorry.
FarSide 23
If he buys a Ford Taurus, then you'll know he's given up on all his dreams. THEN it's time to worry.
snakerake 10
I thought a mid-life crisis was when a person tried to recapture their youth, not just being a crazy person.
SilverInGray 25
Maybe he used to be insane and mellowed out.
Miss_Attitude96 24
My dad's mid-life crisis was to: shave his head, get a tattoo, and listen to old-time rock & roll. In fact, he's been like that for over a couple months now. Not as psychotic as this guy, but still.
zurisbloodyrose 0
A mid life crisis is normally when you realize you're starting to get old and feel you haven't done enough with your life.
bossroyd 4
Is there a difference?
brianjman14 23
19, your dad sounds ******* awesome. Rock and roll ftw.
Miss_Attitude96 24
Uh, yeah, 57, he scares me a bit.
brettlovesgirls 4
My dads a lame-o and decided to get earstuds for his m-lc.
MrShizzBear 0
I see. Does your dad watch the walking dead by any chance?
JinxosGirl87 0
My dad decided to write and perform rap music. ::face palm::
TheEmoSuperman 16
57- I agree bro kinda. The rock part is good but rock and roll is more Elvis type and I'm into nirvana and metallica and guns n roses and those types of bands
rallets 23
bob seger?
mojobanks 8
For my midlife crisis I traded my 40 year old wife in for two 20 year olds !
kaprookie 3
113 -Teenage angst at its finest.
brianjman14 23
106 - you should make an FML. 113 - I'm more of melodic death metal/Viking metal and old school metal like you, but still, gotta appreciate some good ol' fashion rock n roll, because that's where it all started!
IvantheGrinch 5
Back in my day thats how youth was sunny.
sailoroftheseas 7
awesome
boredblonde 17
he's smart to take those precautions, it's a lunatic's world out there!
thisisafunnyname 12
no it isnt, its all just a conspiracy to make you think that its a lunatics world. but its really a normal world... yes i was sent by the government to trick you into thinking that this is a regular world when it is actually a lunatics world. or am i?
farhil 14
That wasn't even confusing. Just lame. Very lame.
jonn090 13
You've been smoking that joint eh
oreobunbun 3
Just show him an episode of 1000 ways to die
21jason 9
Ull be thanking him when santas trying to break into UR house down the chimmney to eat UR cookies and drink UR milk
zombicidal 11
YOU'RE an idiot and I bet once the real grammer nazis get here YOU'LL be sorry
THE_A_TEEN 28
Spell "your", you dumbshit.
ohmandapants 17
You could put the effort into capitalizing "UR" but you couldn't be bothered to add the y and o? It's two more letters, it won't take up much time I assure you.
77777771 12
You used "UR" even thought you knew FML would rape you for it?
zombicidal 11
oh **** I facepalm its supposed to be your he meant not you're now my all caps you're looks derpish
77777771 12
51: Not until you brought it up.
21jason 9
No I didn't capitalize "ur" on purpose my iPod does it automatically
21jason 9
Is it really that big of a deal apparently everyone still knew what I ment
ohmandapants 17
Yes it is. Even though we knew what you MEANT. Besides, no one wants to keep Santa out. We leave milk and cookies, he leaves presents. ******* good deal.
21jason 9
Oh sorry I didn't know this was a ******* spelling test Ohhhh wait it's not!
ohmandapants 17
It's not a spelling test it's SIMPLE ENGLISH. It's really NOT that hard to spell your.
21jason 9
If I wanted UR:) opinion i would have asked you but, until then shut up and mind "UR" own business
21jason 9
Btw I can spell any way I want it's not school and it's not work.. This isn't a serious site it's meant to joke around but thanks to dumb asses like you your killing this site and the hole purpose of it
zombicidal 11
you expect people on the internet to mind their business
ohmandapants 17
If you want people to mind their own business and keep their "opinions" to themselves, get the **** off this site. Edit: nice job spelling whole. You really made your point about knowing how to spell.
ohmandapants 17
I couldn't edit my comment. I read yours wrong. You weren't making a point. You just really can't spell. Whoops.
zombicidal 11
his comment has been moderated due to excessive stupidity
flockz 20
can't we all just get along??? .... and exile the dumbasses to DocBastard's secret lab in the Himalayas? You know, I heard he needed victi-- ehh i mean contributors to the future of humanity.
mojo87 14
That's really harsh on people who haven't gotten out of diapers yet.
ChronicBluntz420 7
Lol.. 21jason, ur fuked.
rowansmithxx 0
You spelled grammar wrong...
dragonstrike94 8
Hey don't joke about that "they" might hear you
afallingstar 22
Yeah you don't mess with free masons...lol
josejimenez 0
Illuminati...
Eenonymous 1
Seriously, your dad's not paranoid... and it's not a theory
mxpklx 12
Speaking of which, why are there all these illuminati and conspiracy FMLs lately? Oh and in case you still think it's BS, look up something called Bohemian Grove.
SummerFever 8
He's prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
breadfruit 0
That is much, much worse than a typical mid-life crisis, which generally is just a new car and a haircut...
vitaldisplay 0
What is wrong with your father?
Outsider_77 0
You never know when those darn zombies will attack you. Kudos to dad