Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML
Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
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Top comments
max_wilder 9
Burning Jehovah's witnesses is a noble cause. Help him.
lemontree7 3
This is the best fml ever!! In the past, I have scared them off by answering the door naked, but I love this option!
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Comments (151)
TurtleSmile 14
From what I've seen, it's also not too uncommon in Alabama.
tsent8 15
Ohh so it's like marrying your sister
Nadron 21
102- except marrying your sister is wrong asshole. Using a flamethrower, not so much.
80skid 15
I wish he was my dad haha.
olpally 33
That's ******* genius!! Do it!! :D
greeneyebeauty9 28
solid plan. I think it's best you help him.
DKjazz 20
OP's name is hilarious if you know what The Watchtower is.
bestnameright 14
He's doing G-d's work! Everyone hates those guys right? Even G-d? "Oh hell is hot eh? ILL SHOW YOU HOT! BURRRRNNN" In all seriousness Jehovah's Witnesses aren't that bad though, just annoying.
unknown_user5566 27
Why are you censoring the word "God"...?
stfuNOWplease 6
From my understanding, Jewish people are not supposed to spell God so they don't spell it all the way. This person may not be Jewish but it is just an assumption and have no problem with being corrected.
anzie_fml 9
He's says he's Jewish, I read his profile. No correcting necessary : ]
TurquoiseJesus 15
47- 17 is a Jew. A ginger Jew. [insert ginger joke here].
bpickett18 16
Actually, Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in hell. Also, people say they are annoying but they are doing exactly what Jesus said to do at Mathew 28:19. Also, have you ever met a Witness outside of their preaching work? They are some of the nicest and most trustworthy people I've ever met.
teresee 8
Father / Son bonding time?
lilhellian 27
can never be to safe from 'em
PipingMouse 14
I set fire....to those Jehovah's...Adele anyone? No? I dunno OP you seem pretty set for any situation. A flamethrower has many uses: zombies, aliens, annoying people....
lilhellian 27
they can still get behind your lines using your cells
PipingMouse 14
With? Lines....cells???? Anyone else confused?
perdix 31
He's just trying to scare off soul-jackers.
4Sharks 4
Win.