Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
xLovey 3
This isn't anywhere near an FML. Yeah sucks to slept with some retard bimbo who likes twilight, but biting is hot.
Brey1013 0
Twighlight is uber gay
becca_reety 0
That's not a good FML......... who doesn't like a little biting? a little pain releases endorphins which makes climaxing even better!!!!!!!! plus twilight may not be your cup of tea..... but before trashing it, at least learn how to spell!!!!! :)
COBRAMORPH 0
She is a drunken *****, you are a drunken idiot. Hopefully you didnt get anything from the drunk ****.
drops_of_Jupiter 0
i think biting's pretty hot honestly.
CalamityStriker 0
rabies... I'd get checked.. Lmao
loserboii 11
Problem 1: You were drunk Problem 2: A Twilight chick I'd love to give you a YDI, but some of us get drunk at times. Plus how did you know she was going to bite you.. five times. FYL indeed LMAO
itsHannaherex 0
Twiligtht just had to come as book, and as a movie this time of a year too.
thecirclingskies 0
You'd have to be extremely, dangerously, almost irrevocably intoxicated to make hooking up with a Twilight fangirl acceptable. YDI
050294 0
stpanimal - The movie AND book series suck **** and the books are the most atrocious ATTEMPTS at literature. Robert Pattison (sp?) is disgustingly ugly and looks as if he's covered in grime. And, before you whine, yes, I HAVE watched both the two movies and ALL of the books (for lulz). Now **** off, please.