Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
averageirishman 0
the books had terrible grammer
LyricalBeba 3
what does twilight have to do with it maybe shes just rly into biting this guy i knew loved bitjng hard enuff to almost draw blood it turnd him on this was b4 he read twilight. just because u hate the series doesnt mean thats the reason. and drunken sex is an fml? r u straight? thank u 4 wasting our time
BonJovi821 3
If anything, it's YOUR COMMENT that wasted anyone's time.
linamerri 0
it's quite sad.. were going to be remembered as the generation that fell in love with sparkly gay vampires
sugarbaby79 0
idiot. you have terrible GRAMMAR. don't bash on the book if your dumb ass cant spell. ilove twilight! not an obsessed fan though.
moi101 0
ouch
SoleilHime 0
Says the person who couldn't spell "can't". I think that makes your point null and void. I've read all four books and seen the first movie, and none of it is any good. The writing is basic at best, the characters are ridiculously shallow, and it's overall a pretty shoddy series. I read all of them / saw the movie because of an obsessed younger sister, and afterwards pointed her to Anne Rice, who is a lot better than Stephanie Meyer could hope to be if she keeps going at this rate. The only way I could consider Meyer a decent author is to look at the fact that she intended the series to be aimed at young adults and ended up getting a lot of people to read.
adrifter 0
Wtf?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Kinky, but ****** up.
beeffyboy 0
five times that u know of. she could of bitten u more but in the same spot. I think it's hot as well
tally7mir 3
How is this your fault? It's not like you could have known she liked Twilight. I mean, people don't just come up to you and say, "Hey, I likeTwilight!! Can I bite your neck like Edward?"
SadinSherman 16
I have to say I also wasted my time watching the movies and reading the books,and I can't find one nice thing to say about it,I like true blood much better but it can get a little graphic