Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
musicchick1712 0
That's extremely disturbing but you kind of deserved it.
akatfml 0
hope you don't get turned to a vampire!
Kgpetosa 0
Well look at the bright side...you can no sparkle ;)
Coleenie5 2
By boyfriend bites my neck all the time. I think it's hot! Now if she was doing it just because of twilight... not so much.
FMLD123 0
FYL yeah it sucks, but YDI for hooking up w/ a twlight obsessed chick in the first place. Word of advice; it might be time to stop drunkingly hooking up.
The__Redneck 7
I love these FML's that start with "I hooked up with some complete stranger...." Maybe that's a good reason to be a little more careful who you sleep with?
izzybd 20
OP, I guess you don't realize that not only Twitards are into biting. Biting is a quite common fetish, as many people have at least a slight turn on for rough sex. I love it when my boyfriend bites my neck, as it is extremely sensitive to kisses and mouths. He routinely leaves me with bruises ;P on my hips too, from his grip. So, don't think "Fml" if a girl bit you during sex. Think "Fml" that you ****** a Twitard xD
allknowingbrony 5
This is why you NEVER hook up with twi-tards
Taurus_ChicKa 37
To all the Twilight haters, forget about that - the OP deserves it for hooking up with someone while drunk in the first place. It serves him right that the person was a fan of Twilight and bit him numerous times. Maybe next time he'll think twice before getting so inebriated he sleeps with someone who's into something he's not. Oh, and if the OP had said the girl was into vampires, this would have been okay? Just the fact that it was Twilight makes it bad? Psssh...smh
Taurus_ChicKa 37
To all the Twilight haters, forget about that. OP deserves it for getting drunk and hooking up with some girl while intoxicated in the first place. It serves him right that she's a fan of Twilight. Now, if OP had said that she'd been into vampires in general, would people still be hating? Just because it's Twilight everyone has to get all dramatic. OP deserves this, Twilight fan or no.