Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
Today. I went on a date with a really great guy. After the date we went to his place and had drinks in the hottub. I ended up shitting myself. FML
Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML
Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML
Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML
Today, on my first date with a guy I really like, I threw up not once, not twice, but three times. FML
Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML
Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML
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Top comments
giantsfan2010 23
Don't tell her?
myth454 2
You haven't caught on yet? Just don't eat the food.
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Comments (193)
astralvagan 20
Sounds like you have an "Everybody Loves Raymond" situation.... My advice would be to move to another town and not tell her when you're going on a date.
JazzyByProxy 14
Perhaps, she's trying to help you move a lil water weight thus becoming more attractive to the opposite sex. Or maybe she's a spiteful bitch. Some people just want to watch your arsehole burn.
JazzyByProxy 14
FUUUUUARRRKK my FmyLife commenting faux pa!!! Re-edit because I timed the **** out! This is starting to feel like a bad Lil John remix.
PeteyPablo12308 20
Oh no... It's much worse, believe me.
DarkHelmet 10
If this is the 4th time it's happened and you continue to eat her food before dates I'm afraid I have to say you kind of deserve it
perdix 31
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me n times, where n is an integer >= 3, I am a ******* moron.
DarkHelmet 10
Your theory is sound
erinchick1 7
I like your theory it makes a hell of a lot of sense.
Ugi 27
I'm interested in the fact that you needed to specify that n was an integer. Could one be fooled a non-integer number of times? If so, would being fooled 1020.6 or 11/3 times mean that you are not a moron? Please clarify.
evaki1 12
That's a shitty situation (someone had to say it)
SenselessPattern 12
What if 22# survives and it becomes the sequel to Castaway? Never did find out what happened to Wilson...
eggmarie 25
Someone already did. And it didn't end well for them, either.
weasel123 9
This somewhat reminded me of the laxative/diarrhea scene on Dumb and Dumber. Anyone else think that? Anyone? No?
Psykotix 4
So did you not learn the first 3 times or what? Poison her.
Countryrose0524 7
She wants you to be hers and only hers forever. She really just loves the shit out of you lol
mrsmaglietta 6
wow move out and call cps
perdix 31
Go on to Craigslist and find a freak who is into Cleveland Steamers. I'll bet after his dream date with you, he'll send flowers to both you AND your mom. Problem solved. YWIA.
andiewithlove 21
Disgusting and yet GENIU.......no.......just disgusting.