Backhanded

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

You tried

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

First time

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

Downhill from here

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

What are the odds?

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML