Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML
Today, my wife is experiencing feral pregnancy cravings. She is craving some sort of cookie that she used to eat as a child. That particular cookie company went out of business 20 years ago, so my wife is growling at me like I was personally responsible for them shutting down. FML
Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML
Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, I've eaten two pieces of fruit, three crackers, and 3.5 glasses of juice. I've also vomited 3 times and peed myself once. Can someone please tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant again? FML
Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML
Today, I'm seven weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week, I feel well enough to eat something that isn't Cheerios, a bagel, or crackers. I woke up two hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML
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Top comments
idontknowyou123 0
Only one solution... FALCOOON PUUUUNNCH
GVirdi 11
36 I was thinking condoms
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Comments (282)
JulieGoRawr 4
Guess You Found a Keeper;D
AlaskaKid95 7
Marriages fall apart, kids or no kids..
Kazze 31
Guess You Found The Shift Key. 44: Not all marriages do. I know plenty of people over 50 that are still married. It almost seems like you're tellling him to leave her because she's having a rough pregnancy. That doesn't make much sense. He's dealt with two others, he can deal with another. It would be really shitty of him to leave over something like that.
iomnomnomux3 0
And you guys say we're predictable..yeah right.
notsorandomguy 18
You are, this FML proves it : the wife bitches no matter what. Which goes along with the OP's and the FML community's expectations.
iomnomnomux3 0
Hm, you make a good point.
MurphyS94 4
I've never in my life heard any man say that women are predictable. We are usually more often described as crazy and confusing as hell by the opposite gender. Which, let's face it, isn't too far from the majority of us.
MurphyS94 4
Since no one is pointing these out, I'll just do it because the mistakes are driving me nuts. I don't know why I said "...usually more often..." that was really redundant. I also meant "...isn't too far *off* from the majority of us". Damn, women really are confusing, I can't even write correctly.
iomnomnomux3 0
I've heard plenty of guys say women are predictable. Like 24, for example. What the hell was the point of you correcting yourself?
MurphyS94 4
I was reading it and I realized my mistakes? Why shouldn't I correct myself if I see that I have messed up?
whatthecray 0
Forget poptarts, just go to the store and buy earplugs
TheLoneWandererX 2
...condoms
BubbleGrunge84 7
88 it's a little to late for condoms don't ya think?
llamafish 25
I'll take 'em. I loves me some pop-tarts :P
Sarah_moustache 9
Its okay, only 9 more months
emersley12 0
Usually when women find out they're pregnant they don't find out right away. They don't wake up the next day and say: Oh! I'm pregnant! She could be 2 or 3 months pregnant so it would be like 7 months to go
Sarah_moustache 9
You get my point. No need to be all smart about it.
CDeCam 9
Well this should be expected being that she was probably screaming at the time she got pregnant.
crimsonprodigy 15
OP, its been scientifically proven that sex calms women down =D Get back in there man!
erl1996_fml 6
Nice try...but.. You still lose..
choshaki 8
Aww atleast you tried. It's okay find out what she likes in this pregnancy and provide it for her. I don't see the what's the big deal OP
downtime 13
The big deal is despite his best efforts he still got yelled at. I don't see what's hard to grasp about that... Nobody likes being abused for doing nothing wrong.
XxdaniixX14 3
third times' the charm?