Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
You BASTARD!
Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML
Hormonal
Today, my wife is experiencing feral pregnancy cravings. She is craving some sort of cookie that she used to eat as a child. That particular cookie company went out of business 20 years ago, so my wife is growling at me like I was personally responsible for them shutting down. FML
Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML
Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
The bed is lava
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Baby fever
Today, I've eaten two pieces of fruit, three crackers, and 3.5 glasses of juice. I've also vomited 3 times and peed myself once. Can someone please tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant again? FML
Off script
Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML
Crackers
Today, I'm seven weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week, I feel well enough to eat something that isn't Cheerios, a bagel, or crackers. I woke up two hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML
Top comments
idontknowyou123 0
Only one solution... FALCOOON PUUUUNNCH
GVirdi 11
36 I was thinking condoms
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Comments (282)
kportal69 5
Every pregnancy is different
Imachillifilliz 2
Hey, there's crazy hormones going on. I know, trust me. I'm pretty nutty while I'm pregnant. Just remember it is a huge body change and it's hard to handle...
409sPoisonGirl 12
I'm 3 months pregnant and I haven't yelled at my man through cravings or sickness once. I haven't yelled at him at all. Good on you mate for making the effort to make her happy. Pity she can't see you've tried and appreciate it.
DoneItAll 0
honey, it gets worse... trust me you have atleast 6 months to go. when the real hormones kick in, no matter how appreciative you are, the smallest thing will make you want to kill people. Trust Me. I was nice at first too... now, not so much... but I love my guy to pieces!
downtime 13
It's natures way of telling us monogamy is not for us, by attempting to force the male to leave...1 point for promiscuity!
Imachillifilliz 2
Yeah, you're only 3 months...
409sPoisonGirl 12
You are aware the worst of the "hormonal" bitchiness is during the first trimester until the placenta takes over baby's hormonal development, right? I admit, I have been snappy and it doesn't take much to set me off with certain things (especially cleaning), but bub is getting most needs from the placenta now -- being a mum2be is no reason to be a bitch. In my opinion.
sierraroxursox22 3
Congratulations!!!
musicluvr2000 11
Then through out the pop tarts
dumboears 8
*throw
Calyx_fml 22
Tell her that being pregnant is not a license to be a bitch. You were trying to be nice and she should stop being a child and appreciate it. Tell her that in those words. If she still screams then don't do anything else for her until she apologizes. If you don't tell her this in strong words ( not wimp speak) then YDI. She's a maternal bully. Stand up or shut up.
Shrike 24
I guess hormones don't exist in Calyx's world, so I wonder then what HIS excuse for being an ignorant little bitch is.
xStaciexLynnx 15
Hey, good plan. Upset and stress out the woman carrying your child so she feels worse than she apparently already does.
SarahNieto 0
You will never get a woman.. I hope you never have kids..
Calyx_fml 22
I have a wonderful wife who apologizes to me if she says something rude and who never fails to appreciate my affections regardless of her mood. That's why we are such a great couple. Mutual respect. OPs wife has none. Blaming disrespect on hormones is childish. Accepting it from an adult who should know how to be responsible for their own actions is weak.
Shrike 24
Our emotions are determined biologically, some people are affected more easily than others. It's got nothing to do with how we WANT to behave. Ever heard of anger management issues, clinical depression? You never fail to say something totally retarded and ignorant, mate. With the sexist shit I've seen you post before, I pity your wife if you really have one.
downtime 13
What he says isn't ENTIRELY insane. Simply blocking her out would actually be a good method of stress relief and giving you the tools to handle an unruly individual. Eventually she will calm down, at which point a rational person would apologise, and then everything goes back to normal. If she doesn't apologise for her behaviour when she returns to a calm state then that does seem somewhat unacceptable. The best thing for them would be to have discussed what each will do when this situation arises next time, so that there are no surprises - communication, ya know?. Whatever works for the individuals though would be best, telling him what he should be doing at the time of the issue if it doesn't work for them is pointless.
kate3101 15
So having some extra hormones popping around is an all-access pass to do as you please, then is it? As the mother of 3 children I'd just like to point out that I have never acted out like that. Calyx's comment sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Why should this woman be allowed to get away with yelling at her husband for trying to do the right thing? Hormones may make you more likely to want to cry or lose your temper, but basic self-control is still possible and behaving like a decent person isn't that hard. If your hormones are so out of whack you actually become an out-of-control psycho, then maybe you should see your doctor. Pregnancy is supposed to be natural and normal. Verbally savaging someone for buying something you don't want to eat is not.
OffToTheGayBar 9
It's not hard to quell your emotions.
calivianya 29
At least you tried. Good effort!
DocBastard 40
Pregnancy makes women insane, plain and simple. I went through it with my wife twice, and the instant the baby comes out, sanity returns. You can't rationalise with a woman who absolutely ******* NEEDS Doritos (COOL RANCH, NOT NACHO, GODDAMMIT!!!) at 1 AM. Oh, and congratulations on your bundle of joy.
409sPoisonGirl 12
Still trying to understand the crazy ass hours cravings? Isn't that normally when someone is sleeping. Or at least trying to?
desireev 18
Whenever a pregnant woman is up all night with severe heartburn or not-so-morning-sickness or the baby kicking her freakin' ribs out, she will get cravings. Crazy cravings! And yes, they come at the weirdest times.
silentbutfunny 0
I heard if the women doesnt get what shes craving, the baby will get a birth mark the shape of what she wanted. Then again i have 1 that looks like south america on the back of my head.... Idk
Schizomaniac 24
Hey, at least the hormonal imbalances didn't cause her to walk out on you without warning or explanation, right?
SirEBC 7
**** you.
lmaoatall 6
Third time you say? First two couldn't have been that bad, I mean, obviously you still have your balls. Good luck holding onto them this time.