Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML
Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML
Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML
Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML
Today, after months of health problems and my boyfriend offering unsolicited advice that mostly boiled down to "eat meat, take vitamins", I finally followed his suggestions to prove that he was wrong. It's a week later and I feel better than I have in years. He's never going to let this go. FML
Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML
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Top comments
brokenangelexy 13
Don't be silly wrap your willy!
tencentsakiss 19
I want to know if this is just your cute way of writing, or if she's really too dumb to realize that she's pregnant.
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Comments (146)
l0v3p4in 7
Good job, OP! That great excuse you used to get into her pants? It's going to bite your ass. Congrats!
I_Punch_Babies 7
hopefully OP will have more of that special curing sauce left over for when his girls sickness comes back
geod69 8
Congrats daddy
DocBastard 40
How on earth did you cure her of her gonorrhea? And why the hell does she catch it every month? You two seriously need to sit down with each other and talk this out. Something fishy is going on.
kittenvks 11
Could be a monthly outbreak of the herp too doc :)
BostonBruinsFan 8
It was her PERIOD, gosh, a doctor doesn't know what a monthly illness for a girl is?? WTF?
DocBastard 40
A period is that little dot that goes at the end of a sentence. It's also a portion of a football game. What the hell are you talking about?
desireev 18
41- The word 'girlfriend' does not mean highschool or young people. There are millions of people, of all ages, who have boyfriends and girlfriends. In this day and age, people don't have to be married to have a child. I wish it was that way, but it isn't.
desireev 18
Ugh!! This is supposed to be for comment #41!
coried91 28
You still got your point across =]
killatoro 2
Congrats Now bring in the cake!!!
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
Why is everyone assuming they're going to keep it ?
coried91 28
Adoption is an option! A whole hell of a lot better than abortion. Please tell me you meant adoption by this comment.
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
I meant both as they are both options. Everyone seems to be assuming that OP and his girlfriend are going to keep the baby.
coried91 28
Well it's more humane than abortion so maybe that's why they think he's going to keep it.
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
I'm not going to bring in my opinions on abortion vs adoption. However, no one really seemed to be acknowledging that there are other options than having the kid and raising it.
effedml 5
Because OP didn't indicate otherwise.
ballbearing 10
Because adoption is so humane.... Both to the birth mother who spends her life tortured wondering if her baby is okay, loved and nurtured. And to the baby who grows up feeling abandoned and alone. The only one who benefits are the adoptive parents who for selfish or biological reasons can't have children. and lawyers who facilitate baby purchasing.
rifletwirler92 15
Adoption's not a bad thing. And FYI, there's such a thing as open adoptions where the birth mother/parents are kept up to date with the kid and the kid knows who his/her parents are. How is it inhumane for a kid to go to parents that can take care of them?
Hannibal83 0
48 - Humane? A fetus isn't capable of surviving outside its mother in the first trimester. I would hardly consider "humane" an applicable word to describe something that doesn't have a fully developed nervous system or functioning organs. The med-grade vacuum makes quick, clean work of problems.
mmjluvi 1
Dumbass CONDOMS YOU MORON!!!!!
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
Yeah because condoms never fail. No contraception is 100% effective.
coried91 28
Condoms aren't always effective. Chill with your hostility.
SpartanMerc 18
Not having sex is 100% effective... And it is technically a form of birth control. Next best thing is vasectomy with a 99.9% effectiveness.
daitan 3
Someone needs anger management.
McNerdyNerd 8
The way your gf worded this, she sounds like she's 14 or something. I wonder if she was being 'creative' or if she's just that dumb...but either way, I think once you get over the initial shock you'll be happy :) Stay with her, and treat her right, and take care of them, and you'll be fine..plus, you should've taken precautions if you didn't want a kid...sorry!
mikeymayhem_87 15
Sounds like the next illness may last an average of 18-22 years