Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML
Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML
Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML
Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML
Today, after months of health problems and my boyfriend offering unsolicited advice that mostly boiled down to "eat meat, take vitamins", I finally followed his suggestions to prove that he was wrong. It's a week later and I feel better than I have in years. He's never going to let this go. FML
Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML
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Top comments
brokenangelexy 13
Don't be silly wrap your willy!
tencentsakiss 19
I want to know if this is just your cute way of writing, or if she's really too dumb to realize that she's pregnant.
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Comments (146)
maybeBabe 8
Wow! Doctor McDreamy!
vol4life 6
Doesn't matter had sex
KaanTech 0
Use condom next time Nevermind...
mboehm88 3
More like Doctor McDaddy
mycheese 0
How does that suck?? Baby's r so cute:)
icrest80 4
Actually it does matter cuz his gf is prego, I guess they forgot to put that possibility in the song...
Osito2011 9
Don't worry! After 9 to 10 months it will be back!
Fml_FTW228 10
30- Uhhgg! I beat you to it a long time ago. Check first before you repeat!
SignUpisntcool 3
I read sister...weird..
strongbad1907 5
Be a true stud, cover your pud.
Discombobulated9 12
You say 'FML' now. But, that will change once the baby is born, I'm sure you'll have no regrets then :)
JayBear14 11
Is it really a cure if it will be back in roughly 9 months?
brokenangelexy 13
Don't be silly wrap your willy!
DirtyMike911 0
Dont be a fool, wrap your tool. ;)
Quasar55_fml 18
Don't be daft, wrap your shaft !
Fml_FTW228 10
Don't make a fetus, cover your penis!
iamyummylicious 14
Wrap it before you tap it.
desireev 18
Wrap your whacker before you attack her.
bigmackin35 0
Glove before love
zachattack112492 4
Don't be a chump, wrap your stump
Epsilonyx 15
Put on a condom.
Enslaved 38
If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
yake12 0
Cover your Wagner before you Bang her!
cmanaus 3
Everything's neater if you cover your peter
s0m3guy2010 21
If you want to keep her sick, then wrap your your dick.
tmd4L 7
Sex can wait masturbait.
Orion1434 5
C-C-C-Combo breaker!
racerapj 10
No glove, no love
LeapOfFaith 8
Don't be a troll. Wrap your tootsie roll
agsilver 14
BEST BIRTH CONTROL EVER = Anal
friisen_ 0
Doesn't rhyme
LeapOfFaith 8
Don't be a troll. Cover your tootsie roll.
lstrawberrycake 12
Put your pickle back in its jar
laden_swallow09 35
This thread is the only reason I've fave'd this FML. Thank you all.
TheRealBruce 12
Before you go ham use dental dam
TheRealBruce 12
Before you get it in put one on
xAttackAttackx 25
If you can't protect your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
TheRealBruce 12
Wear it before you tear it
missmady 0
Cloak your joker before you poke her.
UncausedRyan 2
Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy!
BatteryAddict 11
Don't be a prick, wrap your dick.
DogsPaw 16
It went from funny, to ehh, to Wtf?, to chuckles. All in 28 posts.
mjoyn98 1
You can't go wrong if you wrap your dong!
jujubunni5 9
Wear a condom
PicklesMcRaptor 0
Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon.
zakkyzebra 11
C-C-C-CONDOM BREAKER
OHai15 12
i see what u all did there >.>
Heinousness 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Heinousness 0
Before pulling a quickie, cover your dickie.
sammyf89 13
499 thumbs up. Who will be number 500
silvereye12 7
This is the best thread ever XD
CaptainDoorknob 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Dont be silly, protect your willy.
CaptainDoorknob 7
SHIT I utterly failed to notice that was the original comment. Go ahead and thumb me down to oblivion, friends. I deserve it.
tylercarolinex 21
Package your meat before filling her deep
bmwguy01 8
aren't you so happy you could help out!
TheDrifter 24
It's a win-win. She gets a hand with her monthly "illness" and he gets 9 months designated driver service.
MizzErikaHart 8
And that sucks for you why?
outch_fml 0
She got pregnant
LaColombianita 26
OP's girlfriend is pregnant and maybe OP isn't ready to have a baby yet.
MizzErikaHart 8
I understood the fml. I'm saying he should be happy. It sucks for the baby that has an fml writing father who thinks his life is ****** because it came around.
Sexy_Smurf 16
Agreed!! Same situation - sister in law is pregnant... father doesnt want it but is sticking by her... says he isn't ready for a baby etc... shoulda used a condom!
MoodyBlue320 11
Well, given it's his "girlfriend", it could mean they're in high school. Part of the FML could also be because he's going out with an idiot. Or maybe they want to be parents, just not yet.
d_unsub 12
If she doesn't know what her period is and thinks it is an illness its quite obvious that she should not be having sex yet, let alone get pregnant and raise a kid, and i believe tha he is as young as her (unless he is a pedophile) it is a FML.
luna4545 4
41- just because he refers to her as girlfriend doesn't mean they are in high school. A girlfriend/boyfriend is usually someone you are exclusively dating, not engaged or married to. People of all ages have them..
IStoleTheCookies 16
52 - You talk so much shit. 41 - Just because OP stated 'girlfriend' doesn't mean in any way they are still in High School. They could be of any age. If they are not engaged or married, then that is what she is to him, his girlfriend.
FurryRocks 10
33- abortions are not cool. Having an abortion is murder. So if abortions are legal then that means I should be able to go on the street and kill some random person and everyone would be okay with that.
lukemack 4
I would just like to point out a condom can brake some people use lots of protection and get pregnant some people don't and get nothing
koolkat27 13
op could be a teen dad...thats a shitty situation.
koolkat27 13
sorry, meant to reply to #4
sunflower226 0
strap yo shit! lol
bmwguy01 8
nice fish!
altigue 0
You may have cured that illness, but a much, much worse one is on the way.
mycheese 0
How is having a baby a illness and btw how can u call ur period an illness?????
IStoleTheCookies 16
Maybe OP's girlfriend didnt actually address her period as an 'illness' perhaps because she always complained of feeling ill whilst having her period so that is what OP has referred it as. Jeez.
xSundae 6
The calm before the storm.
BostonBruinsFan 8
Maybe she means morning sickness...my mom was puking her guts out before she had my sister(younger)
tencentsakiss 19
I want to know if this is just your cute way of writing, or if she's really too dumb to realize that she's pregnant.
MizzErikaHart 8
Its my cute way of writing. I know u probably think I look dumb cuz I'm sexy but its cool
coried91 28
Well, considering an FML that says "today, my girlfriend told me she's pregnant" is boring, he tried to spice it up a bit or his girlfriend really said that in trying to bring about the news in a different way.
l23VIVE 17
Random note: ill take you up on your username
Redoxx_fml 22
Daddy!
BitchGettinHigh 0
That's not an FML moment unless ur 18 er younger... Then your kinda ******
viper64 10
No, no, no. You just get on MTV.
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
It's an FML at ANY age if you don't want a child, especially it you don't have the resources to support one.
IStoleTheCookies 16
And a flat and your bills paid for you. Yay for state benefit and hard-working people who get ripped by the taxman.
Seriphe 16
78 - No? I'm pregnant, on food stamps and Medicare, working my job while my husband works his, and we pay all the same bills we've been paying. Roughly $1200/month not counting food, gas, and unexpected occurrences(like him needing glasses). We barely make ends meet.
xNephilim 19
That was a reference to 16 And Pregnant, not the average teenage mom.
jujubunni5 9
Think positive. You saved her money on tampons
Redoxx_fml 22
And gave her 9 months of "joy"
courtneyann211 10
Not really saving money. Considering the first year of a babies life it costs around $8000. Then support that child (or children) the rest of your life. I would rather spend $7 a month on tampons.
TheChad85 1
21- I am willing to go out on a limb and say 13 knew that, but was trying to provide some type of upside. But great job pointing out the obvious!!
lukemack 4
Agreed with 71
t765234 10
21- Really? I thought children just drew moisture and sustinence out of the air.
JadeWalker 14
I'd rather be paying for tampons then diapers.
jujubunni5 9
Just trying to be positive (: hahaha but you all make good points.
Heinousness 0
Yay! How much is a single tampon? Nine months worth must not be too much. But I'm no woman, so I wouldnt know that please clarify if you can.