Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML
Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML
Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML
Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML
Today, after months of health problems and my boyfriend offering unsolicited advice that mostly boiled down to "eat meat, take vitamins", I finally followed his suggestions to prove that he was wrong. It's a week later and I feel better than I have in years. He's never going to let this go. FML
Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML
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Top comments
brokenangelexy 13
Don't be silly wrap your willy!
tencentsakiss 19
I want to know if this is just your cute way of writing, or if she's really too dumb to realize that she's pregnant.
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Comments (146)
Fml_FTW228 10
Doesn't matter... Had sex
iamabamf 17
But I cured her of her illness. Still counts!
loserman67 36
First of all you didn't "cure her" of the illness, you just gave her a nine month vacation from the illness. Second of all, a little "gift wrapping" on the Johnson and you'd be in a much better position in life than having to eventually face her parents with the news that you violated their daughter and were too stupid to take a precaution. Next time, get her to swallow....
ThatsAfurry 9
No where on the fml does it say that he didn't take precautions, lets not forget that they do fail from time to time.
Octain 13
I think he knows that he didn't "cure her" or else it wouldnt have been posted on here.
loserman67 36
To numbers 39 & 51, read this.... sarcasm (ˈsɑːkæzəm) — n 1. mocking, contemptuous, or ironic language intended to convey scorn or insult Like 90% of all the posts
lukemack 4
Why the f... is the only one with half a brain 16
spazz666 18
Are you... Please tell me you're joking? I really don't understand how you could be so oblivious to the fact that OP was using bitter sarcasm. FIRST OF ALL, if you think pregnancy is a "vacation" you've obviously never talked to anyone who has been pregnant. Morning sickness, mood swings, weird cravings... Yeah, thats the kind of vacation that I wanna go on!! (In case you didn't catch that, I was being sarcastic(; ) And I'm sorry, but since when do you automatically know everything about OP's situation? For all you know they could be in their 20's (in which case OP would NOT have to worry about her parents) or the condom could have broken, or they could have been together for years (unlikely considering the tone of the FML but still possible) or an endless number of situations. So I guess my point is, please just think about what you say before you put your foot in your mouth. ^-^ But hey, props for making yourself look like a tool on the Internet, I'm proud of you :D
victoria114 6
Umm they dont look like a tool they actually sound alot smarter than u just did :)
zach2173 4
Somebody must currently have their illness.☝
downtime 13
Failing to recognise what is being said and then making wild accusations and assumptions doesn't make the person look smart...
spazz666 18
152) Hmm, where should I begin? Well first of all, "don't" has an apostrophe in it because it's a compound word, second you need to add a comma after the word "tool", third "alot" is two words; a and lot. Oh, and "u" is not a word. Isn't grammar fun? :D There, have fun thumbing down my extreme grammar nazi comment. I've said what I needed to say ^-^
kewlstoribro 6
@spazz666 I just wanted to point out that you missed a period at the end of your last sentence - so you won't make that mistake a second time you decided to troll someone else. :D :D
sbducks 5
140- You mad?
PadfootLovesPie 16
im only disliking your comment because he didn't "violate her"
LennyComa 39
Well enjoy sleep now because in 9 months you can kiss that good bye same with drinking, parties, nightsout, hobbies and spontanuity. On the plus side you get a baby but dont call it Kevin...it's a shitty name
loserman67 36
Gee, sorry you don't like your name -- Kevin...
KVKdragon 26
Sorry that my name offends you X(
marcranger 29
Getting a baby is definitely not a plus. Ugly little shitmachines.
pixie4 1
I love the way you worded this lol. Fyl though. Always use protection ppl
spazz666 18
You were doing so good until you said "ppl"....
xrudeboyrock 29
sigh. if you're not mature/old/ready enough to take care of a child, you should not be having sex.
greenwich1945 13
The whole reason people use contraceptives is because they're not mature/old/ready enough to take care of a child.
Leetswaglordmaybe2 9
or you know, not getting/spreading STDs, that's also a thing
xrudeboyrock 29
but they aren't 100% effective. so if you aren't 100% ready, you shouldn't bother.
ILpalmtree 0
Someone cant get laid
jannielovesjack 0
You sound like the gym teacher off of mean girls. " Don't have sex! You will get pregnant and die." But seriously there's a way around the whole pregnancy thing (apparently op didn't know of). You know, a condom. I think your comment should have said if your not Mature/old enough to use protection you shouldn't have sex. -_-
GothicAngel17 24
NIt's a possibility that she was using the pill or another hormonal contraceptive and it didn't work 100%. They probably thought that they didn't need condoms if she was taking a contraceptive.
jujubunni5 9
Are you a virgin? That's a very virgin thing to say.
oohoohmrkotter 0
I'm 30 and married, but we don't want children. Do you really think we shouldn't be having sex? Haha. Sex has other functions, and abstinence is just stupid advice for consenting adults. I take hormonal birth control and we use condoms, knowing that both forms could fail. If they do, there's abortion. There's nothing irresponsible about that.
isaac_newton 17
You are very obviously a Virgin
Vaginabutter 15
Wrap your stump before you hump
MrScholl 4
How'd you know I had a stump :(
alexup24 13
good for her
chitown23 4
Never trust the pull and pray
Petunia888 13
Good going, "daddy-o".
Senseless_487 29
I see no problem here. If you didn't want a child, should have used protection. YDI for thinking a baby will **** your life up. My daughter was unplanned, but I NEVER thought anything bad about her being born, and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Man up, put on your big boy pants, and do the right thing.
courtneyann211 10
My twins weren't planned. They aren't even here yet but I never thought they would ruin my life!!! Did I want to be a mom? Not right now, maybe in a year or two, but I won't trade it for the world!
Soloman212 28
Congrats on the twins, and hope everything goes well with them.
coried91 28
Where does it say he thinks the baby will **** up his life? Everyone has the oh shit moment when they find out they are having a baby. It's called shock and it goes away.
marcranger 29
67, he posted this on FML. Think about what that acronym stands for.
pimpnainteasy 5
Lol @87 thanks for really telling her what the site means.... Didn't realize people didnt know lol. Grats on the oncoming baby though if you're younger than 17 apply to be on a show you might make it :-P good luck though
catatonicsleep 17
82 plenty of people post stuff on here that doesn't actually **** up their lives they are just annoyed/surprised/in a complaining mood...
Hannibal83 0
I agree, the OP needs to do what's right for him. From the sound of things, that means offering to pay for an abortion and hoping like **** the girl says yes.
Senseless_487 29
Wow, talk about ignorance. Abortions shouldn't be used as a form of birth control. If you think you can handle the sex, then you can handle the results.
Hannibal83 0
Wow, talk about ignorance. I didn't say abortions shouldn't be used as a form of birth control, I just suggested the OP take advantage of his right to free choice and try to talk his girlfriend into not bringing another unwanted baby into the world. Sex isn't just for making babies, and my wife and I have the abortion plan in place for if we have the OP's problem.
Senseless_487 29
I'm pretty sure what you just said counts as using abortions as a form of birth control. I agree that sex isn't just for making babies, but when you're doing it for pleasure, use contraceptives. Condoms AND birth control pills. And if she still gets pregnant, then it was meant to be, and you should raise the child. And yes, "having the abortion plan in place" is pure ignorance. I'm not pro-life, but an ex girlfriend did have an abortion behind my back, and it's not something I condone. Abortions should be used for pregnancy resulting from rape and sexual abuse, not because you weren't careful enough!
Hannibal83 0
There's no such thing as meant to be. We control our destiny through science in this day and age. If the condom fails, Med grade vacuum is an acceptable last resort. Preserving your way of life is all that matters in this shithole of a world we live in, and I'll be damned if a baby messes up mine. Go push your esoteric sense of morality someplace else.