Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML
Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML
Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML
Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML
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Top comments
PossiblyInDanger 24
At least you didn't find out he was cheating on you.
niallo 23
At least he kept a good grip on the situation.
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Comments (99)
lil_tomahawk25 17
"Actually, I'm not even mad. That's amazing"
ChelzTheWolfGirl 29
I'm thoroughly disgusted Op. Be very thankful he didn't get caught!
chrisbreastr0kr 11
Mental Masturbation.
skyeyez9 25
I feel bad for the employee who has to clean up after your nasty hubby.
Sniper_Chick4110 20
Maybe people did notice.. they probably thought he had a mental handicap and were being polite to ignore it. This is also why you should choose to never shake hands with men if you can avoid it.
cryssycakesx3 23
how could you not ignore it? "excuse me sir, it appears you have some sort of mental disabil-- oh, sorry to interrupt…"
pam241 15
Brilliant
davedarave 6
Greatest achievement ever!! EPIC!
Fuhkyoo 17
thats not gum on the bottom of that table...
communisttaco 16
I'm impressed.
avidreader121 7
maybe next time you could offer him a hand?
Sangue0608 26
or a mouth in between courses.