Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML
Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML
Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML
Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML
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Top comments
PossiblyInDanger 24
At least you didn't find out he was cheating on you.
niallo 23
At least he kept a good grip on the situation.
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Comments (99)
91hayek 31
But you still noticed. Poor form. Makes me wonder though, who are better at stealth orgasms? Men or Women?
DraconicFeline 31
That depends on the person more than on gender.
Ki11erC 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
@14 stealth orgasms, unless a male can control ejaculation it's hard to stealth. And don't get me started on women that fake them, not had thankfully, but I seriously see no point. Learn what the other likes, show them what you like, guide them, not everyone is the same, makes more fun all round instead of some fake ass screaming.
MisterEx 28
You had me on "don't let me get started"
RedPillSucks 33
OPs husband got started without her
LisaDay 14
@37, i think some women fake it because after a while, it can get sore and painful. i never have, but my friend told me she does sometimes because i starts to hurt.
Sangue0608 26
so they could just be honest instead of faking it.
Goblin182 27
@76, and finished without her
Sp1k3FML 14
There are times and places for that type of work,but not while people are around you. FYL
Flowtastic 16
*was going to mention certain types of clubs then noticed how young 15 looked* Bravo for innocence....
machern 1
Your waitress had to be pretty hot.
briang959 47
Awkward to say the least.
shady_fox77 13
well damn
Mynamewontfi 40
The real FML is for the person who has to clean the restaurant afterwards.
speakersboom 19
*checks under the table* "no gum, here. But there's something else..." :'|
Flowtastic 16
Makes me wonder how one with class would defecate...
95DeVille 13
Maybe he is really anal about getting off at a certain time.
geekbuscus 19
That is so disrespectful. He's out with his wife for their anniversary and he jacks off under the table in the restaurant. What the hell?
cryssycakesx3 23
on the contrary, maybe she looked extra good.
Sangue0608 26
Maybe he was hinting that he wanted to slip under the table with OP and she just wasn't picking up on it so he had to finish himself off.
geekbuscus 19
Touché.
sxt8brd 1
I'm a guy and I'd divorce the pig.
ElricMustang 23
You'd seriously divorce someone over this?
Axel5238 29
Well in public at the table. Yeah that is really gross and she should divorce him. Also, if he thinks that doing a the table in public is something to be proud of something is wrong. If there were kids present in that restaurant that would qualify him as a sex offender in some areas.
horneyhic 15
Do us a favour #26 and don't get married it's attitudes like that that are the reason for the 60% divorce rate
sicksadworld1317 30
66- Read the comment above yours and see if you get the point. Yes, randomly whipping ones dick out in public is a problem worth divorcing over. What next- will he whip it out and get them both arrested? Get himself beat up? Traumatize a child? No marital partner should have this many possibilities for their spouse to **** up their life- and over his dick for that matter.
ninety 25
I'm pretty sure incidences related to infidelity are what contribute to most of that 60% divorce rate. Regardless, jerking it under a table in public is still far from normal, understandable or acceptable, and incredibly immature. That aside, if my husband were jerking it under a restaurant table just to see if he could get away with it I would probably wonder what else he was doing just to see if he could get away with.
cryssycakesx3 23
65, I don't think he was "doing the table," per se.