Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying, "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML
Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML
Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML
Today, my dad found condoms in my room and kicked me out of the house. I know I’m 22 but I have nowhere to go. When I told him this, he threw a rolling suitcase at me and told me, “You have somewhere to go now - your boyfriend’s house!” I don’t even have a boyfriend, just casual random hookups. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML
Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 41
They're just trying to fill all your empty holes.
AlexRen 21
Look on the bright side at least the vegetable can't get you pregnant.
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Comments (134)
AlexRen 21
Look on the bright side at least the vegetable can't get you pregnant.
Feared 9
You'd be surprised.
buck33 14
Mandrake.
TheDrifter 24
So that's where vegitarians come from.
ycrem0n 21
So vegetables can cum too.. wow, you learn a lot here everyday
stuner56 22
But her mom gave her a condom. Always use protection, especially with vegetables
yahoowizard 16
They just might plant a seed in her
ChrisTheCalm 9
So what the hell is the condom for..
Feklfekl2222 32
37- so someone with a vegetable for a father would want to eat vegetables? Unless the father abandoned them at an early age I don't see this happening.
kriz_allizwell 6
you haz beautiful eyez awwwwwww.....
False_Stupidity 42
#104 For protection of course, so that she doesn't ruin a perfectly good zucchini.
Calyx_fml 22
Make sure to use that condom or you'll end up with little green cucumber babies.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Zucchinis. Zoo-keen-ees. I understand how you might mistake that for cucumber, but that's alright. I got you bro. ;)
Mariebaz 11
Or, she could put the puréed zucchini in the condom, then give it to them!
ShutUpAndStare 7
You mean namekians?
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
Zucchini, not Piccolo.
magicrock 8
What?
KeyboardWarrior 10
"Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying 'I know it's tough being single.' Apparently, my mom has boundary issues, my dad will do anything for a laugh, and the fact that I just got dumped means nothing. FML
meihua 19
You forgot the other quotation mark... PUNCTUATION NAZI TO THE RESCUE!
Fml_FTW228 10
23- It's not "my dad will do anything for a laugh," it's "my dad will laugh at anything."
redbluegreen 41
They're just trying to fill all your empty holes.
micahsmommy 13
Wouldn't she need more zucchinis then?
minisquid 9
*ba dum **crash** *
brony247 0
Cricket cricket :D
Viciousstorms 7
They need to be more supportive. Decent sense of humor, but terrible timing.
kikiwi_fml 9
Who thumbed that down?! That was lol worthy.
emmagillespie24 11
Wow. Your parents must have taken all of their immaturity pills. Sorry about the breakup.
zandalee 20
Oh lighten up!!
Linkerdoodles 15
Yes, #8, and you must have taken all of your 'stick-up-the-ass' pills. Good luck with that overdose :)
stevenJB 25
Seems some one didn't inherent their parents humor...but still FYI for getting dumped.
XanderJayNix 17
And now you can post saying "Today, my phone ruined what i wanted to say by autocorrecting FYL into FYI. FML"
kidwiththeface42 7
It's harder for guys to find sexually charged vegetables... Consider yourself lucky.
chane1100 6
We have 2 fruits, watermelon, and canilope.
emba_fml 13
cantaloupe, 51...cantaloupe.
zolziski 11
Would apple pie count as a fruit?
Grimmerie 31
How about pumpkins? That's a sexual veggie if I ever saw one.
False_Stupidity 42
* Makes a note to NEVER eat the apple pie at Zolziski's place...
RamenForTheWin 10
Well... There's always bagels.
Torva_fml 16
A bagel is a fruit? Must be a big bagel to be able to fit your junk in the hole...
JOEGERNAUTT 1
That's epic lol. Nothing wrong with it I guess, besides the fact it was from your parents anyway -____-
MrSassypants 34
That's a stupid comment lol. Nothing wrong with it I guess, besides the fact it was from you anyways. -____-