Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying, "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML
Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML
Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML
Today, my dad found condoms in my room and kicked me out of the house. I know I’m 22 but I have nowhere to go. When I told him this, he threw a rolling suitcase at me and told me, “You have somewhere to go now - your boyfriend’s house!” I don’t even have a boyfriend, just casual random hookups. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML
Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
redbluegreen 41
They're just trying to fill all your empty holes.
AlexRen 21
Look on the bright side at least the vegetable can't get you pregnant.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (134)
hqbrat 8
Sure they can give you a veggie they say yes. But when it comes vibrator they say "hell NO!"
Krirn 21
Noor, how many times would that be now?
ClaremoreZebra 8
If your mom did it because she's worried you are too lonely, as you are in post break-up stage, and that's rough, it's still weird, but kind of thoughtful. But if not, stick the condom on your lovely zucchini, chop it up, and make her a nice salad. :)
levi912 0
you're mom's a *****
perdix 31
#49, it's not just a nun, It's the Terminat-Noor!!!!
erock1star 8
At least it wasn't a cucumber, sometimes they have "warts" and that wouldnt have been a pretty sight.
ClaremoreZebra 8
Lol, I pictured a toad when you said warts. The imagery is continuing downhill. -__-
mikeymayhem_87 15
For ***** and giggles.... Buy some smaller zucchini and a pack of diapers. Put said diapers on the zucchini and introduce the new grandkids to your parents and say the condom broke! :p
xplainphrox 8
Lmao - good one!
Kog_Hiro 17
Everybody run from the ninja Terminat-Noor! Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!! She's killing e'erybody out hurr. Oh yea! Husbands... Hide yo husbands too.
RensM 22
YDI for moaning about it and not having a sense of humour
ClaremoreZebra 8
Don't be a zucchini bro.
ClaremoreZebra 8
Don't be a zucchini bro.
THE_A_TEEN 28
Yeah, because not laughing at a bad-timed joke means you have no humour. Give me a ******* break, not everyone laughs at the same thing. What other reason can you give me to explain why people love/hate Dane Cook. Also, how did you hear OP moaning? Are you off your meds again?
XanderJayNix 17
Perhaps her moaning about it was the point?
perdix 31
#72, she's not killing the husbands, she's marrying all of them! She a ninja polyandrist!