Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
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Comments (117)
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
Melix 31
There is so much win on this comment.
184886837272837 32
BroTip: colored condoms look weird
Wizardo 34
#59, for a more nerdy twist, try out glow in the dark condoms for that amazing experience with the Force and if you're big enough it will almost look like a lightsaber...
illusong 16
maybe she prefer fruits over veggies. try a yellow condom next time
perdix 31
#15, when it comes to men, I don't think women find either "fruits" or "vegetables" as especially attractive options.
thatnucca 36
Go ahead green goblin...
QQmore_fml 18
Tell her it's a lightsaber? May the force be with you on this one.
OddShoeLaces 13
Take that as a compliment dude, cucumbers are pretty big.
Sheh_fml 25
Encouraging people to **** without protection, how mature.
fakedsincerity 32
Was it glow in the dark? Because that'd be awesome.
olpally 33
She needs to grow up a little bit. Seriously? Who the **** says that and turns down safe sex? Your gf is ridiculous.
m3lyc 18
Yogi's nob is long and green, cu-cum cu-cum, yogi's nob is long and green he's a cu-cum-bear!
venus89 17
Dip it in vinegar and tell her it's a pickle.
rfid_fml 13
Or, for extra fun, dip it in a stronger acid, see hilarity ensue.