Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
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Comments (117)
SgrA 18
Try carrot next time.
thatkidhesh 11
just be glad she said it's a cucumber and not a jalapeño.
feelingold 18
Funny thing is, my wife actually prefers a cucumber... I try not to take it personally.
Laby_fml 9
"No honey, it's a pickle. Tangy and zesty, ready to wow your taste buds."
Enslaved 38
Say it's a cactus. Watch out for the prick! :P
Tigerblossom 19
She doesn't carrot all as long as its not a cucumber!
imaginaryvoice 18
#22 I'm not going to lie, I found that hilarious. Poor thing..
green2go 14
86 your pun is not punny at all
punjabtimelord 18
Cucumbers are delicious! How dare she!?!?
SirMichael 13
Perhaps she's just never had a nice fresh one.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
Dewoe 18
of at least suck 'em!
datgamerchick 14
A cucumber is a fruit, though.
Clioo_fml 17
Don't ruin the fun, #51
Acik91 26
Hide it quickly so she wouldn't see it. Win win!
Wizardo 34
Tell her you can make it disappear... into her.
Ambient25 25
Just tell her that it will pickle once inside
Nekogami 14
This made me snort in the middle of class. Lol!
football98_fml 20
tell her its a decieving banana
joawmeens 7
That sounds like the next James Bond movie "The Deceiving Banana", starring Daniel Craig, and Carrot Top as The Banana, for some reason...
thatkidhesh 11
13 your description sounds more like James Bondage than an actual Bond film.
Ambient25 25
"Rated R for Retarded" belongs here as well lol
Pleonasm 36
Tell her she needs her Five a Day, and you'll see you'll both be cucumming in no time.
pedinhuh 23
Well, atleast she didn't tried to bite it!
dinosxxrawr 22
at* least* try*
Ambient25 25
ass*
CharresBarkrey 16
Come on, 12. English isn't their native language, don't be a bitch.
nnnope 26
18 - because everyone stalks the profiles of people with poor grammar before swinging the grammar Nazi hammer at them.
chatokun 10
Well, they are there to be read after all. If someone wants to write a rude response, they could at least take a moment to glance at it.
Ambient25 25
"Rated R for Retarded"
kurodansei 16
I say remove the Nazi and just start saying, dropping the grammar hammer.
kpc2424 13
Cucumbers are better when dipped