Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
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Comments (117)
Hamlin 5
I like green dicks
graceinsheepwear 34
..and you cannot lie?
MeLoveCats 7
i like cucumbers, but to eat only. lol the whole idea of a colored condom is just weird in the first place imo. FYL op
gotaplanstan 28
Sounds like something straight out of Marvel ****. Starring Bruce Bonner, where his catchphrase is - you wouldn't like me when I'm horny.
j_cat187 20
Isn't bareback a brand? I found some at a truck stop bathroom in Kentucky.
LyraAlluse 25
I wonder what she would think about those love gloves with the smiley faces?
glamorous18 10
people still use condoms??
stoych 19
Yes because STD's and HIV are still contagious last time I checked. Obviously due to fuckwits who DON'T use condoms.
StacyRenae 9
Never marry a girl who doesn't like cucumbers.
graceinsheepwear 34
83-Protection doesn't only mean pregnancy. STD much?
Bunny21 11
Safest cucumber in history! Lol
Bootle 10
So put on a different condom? Duh.