Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
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Comments (117)
Dewoe 18
did you do the helicopter till it came off?
xXNerrrdXx 16
i wonder why are condoms even colored....i would find it wheird too tbh xD
TheDrifter 24
The same reason panties are I suppose. Just for decoration, or to compliment the bed spread colour pattern. I like the silver medal condoms.
happylawyer 16
Weird or not using a colored condom is still trying to have safe sex and responsible.
Stormdriven37 6
46-Is it because you always manage to finish second?
TheDrifter 24
It's my mission, though I won't shed any tears over a third place finish.
Huddisher 10
Something a five year old would say.
j_cat187 20
I sure hope not
Huddisher 10
I'm sure you know I meant in a totally different circumstance. Five year olds usually turn down a lot of things because of their colour, etc to which they say "I won't do that" or "I don't like that" just because it's a certain colour. Come on, people. You know what I mean.
mattrd_fml 31
I never understood colored condoms. lol
MisterEx 28
I'll try to explain: They are normal condoms, but colored.
c8750 2
66 lmao
vanity113 9
MisterSex you are amazing!
dnuch 1
green is her favorite color, i thought it would be cute. i was wrong lmao
GoodLookingGeese 10
Damn, is she old enough or what?!
finch01 18
try yellow it could be a Banana
hancesolo 7
What is the point of coloured condoms?! Your penis looks silly enough already. Give it a fighting chance.
russfml 31
That's when you say well let's turn this cucumber into a pickle, problem solved :D
brittyboo123 35
I guess you're going to find out which vegetables are her favorite!
Whatapuffchild 23
maybe she doesnt like to have sex with you? like cmon who doesnt love cucumbers if you know what i mean