Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML
Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML
Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML
Today, my date was about to go down on me when he burst out laughing. I'd bought some new sexy panties, which apparently had a sticker on them that came off and got stuck to me. It seems my vagina had been examined by employee No.32 for quality control purposes. FML
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
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Top comments
Sebastian_NG 17
I have to stop reading fmls while eating
sirhobothesecond 3
clcbjj31- it means you're on your period.
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Comments (165)
UrLyfSuxx 0
Caterpillars ARE nasty. I had to read this FML once more to understand it.
briandunlikelmo 0
... Cockblocked by your underwear!
leogirl95 12
You've learned your lesson...never wear new cheap black underwear out.
Duoceros 22
YDI for being lazy and not washing them before you wore them.
StoryOfTheYear 15
I'd say that would've been a bit of fun.
gunmania0 12
I thought op was gonna say,'unfortunately I decided to wear my black lacy thong!'
bubble25_fml 5
27 better yet he shouldn't wear underwear at all. Underwear is overrated anyways.
Jovecove 13
I'm fuzzy and I know it
Muslimgal92 0
What does caterpillar mean?
kaprookie 3
74 = Fail Troll.
urdirtyolduncle 15
74- A black penis.
seanoc69 7
I next time don't be so cheap and you might get laid
dsbs 9
You get what you pay for
baby_dee97 8
When I first read this I accidentally skipped the second to last line. Then I thought, " Well if you're calling your dick a caterpillar...you probably shouldn't get laid." LOL
RetardedChipmunk 7
Sounds like a turn-on to me
OMGIFOUNDWALDO 6
Your comment sounds like a thumb down to me
urdirtyolduncle 15
^And yours sounds like a thumbs up! :)
ShroomsOnAcid 17
I don't know what you guys are smoking but I don't hear anything.
Occums_Razor 0
Says "ShroomsOnAcid". Maybe it's you who needs to lay off the drugs..
FriscoKidz 10
And maybe you need to try more drugs. It can go both ways my sober friend.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Oh 88, you are so funni. Pointing out my name like that and all.
tommyfox 19
54- WIN.
SystemofaBlink41 27
Maybe she has a weird fleshy caterpillar fetish?
greatness101 0
Well, he says he didn't get lucky, so I doubt it.
Sebastian_NG 17
I have to stop reading fmls while eating
Dr_Jalepenos 0
Thats why i always read them while in the bathroom. U guys didnt need to know that......
sickjairo 7
The fibers got stuck to it because you were wet man.
meganfoxsbitch 0
This sounds like an fml for her!! Today I almost f****d a guy with a caterpillar for a penis..
TrixER 6
Cockblocked by his own dick
Julieannx3 9
Wow.
danielreader22 4
Thank you for that insightful comment.
mnmolino 14
Wait... I thought black underwear ment you weren't a virgin....
markrs 0
White underwear means you're pure. Cream underwear means you're tainted. Black underwear means you're a freak in the sheets ;p
clcbjj31 0
What about red?
sirhobothesecond 3
clcbjj31- it means you're on your period.
flockz 20
and ones with dick patterns on it usually mean you're gay.
cheshire2012 13
well what about blue and green?
iammenotyoi 4
Chershire2012-- Thats just nasty You sick ****
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Rainbow undies?
briandunlikelmo 0
rainbow undies=gay?
nerdpower_fml 1
47 - nope, that means you're a Rastafarian
bratprince 0
Commando?
HetaliaFreak 10
Granny panties?
HannahPaloozah 0
48- only red yellow and green would be a Rastafarian
jessesgirl14 16
22- red panties mean you stole them from the store because your mom wouldn't buy them for you because they were satan's panties!
Llama_Face89 34
67- WOW! That's an OLD one! Nice reference. :P
mnmolino 14
Haha, that was a good movie XD
Argumental_Rhino 8
Lol, you always make things hilarious.
Meowingtons500 18
67- I remember that quote from a movie, but not sure which one. What was it? :)
Meowingtons500 18
I remember, Miss Congeniality! I love that movie! :D
vitaldisplay 0
You can't pull your life.
abbyhoneywaffles 11
What does that even mean?
soccerguy2 11
Did the fruit guys teach you nothing?
soccerguy2 11
Why did it send mine twice?
soccerguy2 11
Did the fruit guys teach you nothing?
BayleeWasHere 1
Haha!
death_dolphin24 0
They were my math tutors
theunwiseone 4
What kind of penis shaped caterpillars have u got in the U.K?
juturnaamo 29
They don't circumcise.
Dr_Jalepenos 0
"you probably thought this was a caterpillar.....No! Just Chuck Testa."
ShroomsOnAcid 17
"You probably thought this penis was alive...Nooope its just Chuck Testa!" *pops out in between legs*
yummcookie 0
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
perdix 31
I see an Eric Carle picture book coming out of this story, "The Angry Caterpillar with Blue Balls." Hopefully, the kids won't ask why the caterpillar has only one eye and bulging veins (insects don't have circulatory systems.)
josejimenez 0
Virgin.
perdix 31
Just because I choose to save it doesn't mean I haven't had chances to lose it. Ok, I haven't had chances to lose it, but you couldn't have inferred that from my comment :(
CryMoreFMLs 15
117 - Jealous?