Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML
Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to let me play porn while we were getting busy. The girl in the video said, "You don't need a condom, you can just pull out." I noticed she had a caesarean scar and burst out laughing. My girlfriend stormed out before I could explain. FML
Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML
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Top comments
LibertyLife20 20
Or tell her she has broccoli in her teeth
cutycat136 28
If you had have told her, she probably would have thought nothing of it, fixed the problem, and you could have had a real ****** instead of faking it
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Comments (84)
beaglegal 42
I know you would hate to rabe her of the moment, but you should probably tell her. It's better she knows that there's something in her teeth before she goes out.
WhoopteDo 26
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Or kissed her and cleaned it up yourself, chivalry is important and all. That and he probably planned to tell her after, or she would brush her teeth by the time she went out since there is a decent chance it's night.
TomeDr 25
Good for you to spare her feelings like that.
MRSwick2525 23
Seriously? All he had to do was tell her and she would probably gotten it out and gotten back in bed with him and back to business!
EmoKami 21
Just like women who fake orgasms instead of coaching their bf, no?
MomentoMori 23
Shots fired.
happyturtle 16
#48 or in this case, fake-fired :D
JayGatsby 25
Well the situation might be that OP's girlfriend might be very insecure about herself, so OP didn't want to point something out that would make her more insecure. It's a big assumption to make without a follow up, but just a thought.
honz99999 11
He should've just turned her around and hit it from behind. Out of sight out of mind.
MyGFisaturd 23
How nice OP, I'm sure it will be repaid one day!
rileyrae0000 23
How is that nice? He could have just told her and then finished for real instead of letting a piece of good ruin his sex. It's really immature to be honest
getindoe69 17
How is that immature, if he pointed out she had broccoli stuck in her teeth while inside her. she probably wouldn't have let him finish because she'd get that he was focusing on her teeth instead of the sex. so good job op
rileyrae0000 23
Uh she could get it out real quick and then they could continue. I don't know about you but I wouldn't let broccoli get in the way of my sex
inutaru 14
That is literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Have you never had a sex life where you can talk and joke during sex.....? Like a piece of broccoli isn't the worst thing to happen during sex and not something to fake gasm over.........it's not even that embarrassing if it's your significant other.....
LibertyLife20 20
Or tell her she has broccoli in her teeth
imkool136 22
Ya that's not a mood killer. "You like that? Want me to go harder?.. By the way you have broccoli in your teeth..."
Candace7 19
Or you could get over it like a normal human being.
1dvs_bstd 41
It's kinda gross but OP handled pretty decently.
chaseafterwind82 29
'That right, guys fake orgasms too!' 'This has been a Public Service Announcement.'
lat187 18
And you didn't break up with her?!?? Hahah but seriously, telling her she has broccoli in her teeth doesn't spare her feelings. You guys could have had a good laugh from it.
devinaww 15
maybe she's really self conscious, or maybe she would be upset that he got distracted during SEX? I'm sure OP had his reasons, he's the one who really knows her
rachelthelime_fml 29
Very chivalrous of you, OP :)
cutycat136 28
If you had have told her, she probably would have thought nothing of it, fixed the problem, and you could have had a real ****** instead of faking it
lexiieeex3 32
And maybe not have wasted a condom. That shit's expensive.
nikkipettyfer 24
That's awesome that you thought of her before yourself, OP!