Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.
dinosxxrawr 22
she needs to eat her vegetables.
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Comments (117)
joeyl2008 29
Why did you have to go to the bathroom to put on the condom?
MelissaDawn7 11
I totally understand! My husband doesn't understand when I don't want to use orange condoms because it reminds me of a Oompa Loompa. It's just creepy!
GolgiTendonOs 18
Maybe she was just green with envy.
MzJnicc 10
hmmmm maybe that was her nice way of backing out....
Seroster 7
You left bed, went into the bathroom, got it on and then went back in the bedroom? Seriously, keep the rubbers on the nightstand and she wouldn't even have noticed the colour.
cloudsofneon 5
Bareback doesn't necessarily mean without protection, she could always get on birth control.
capscorner01 5
Why the f was it green. That's probably a complete turn off for her
badgirl00069 19
sounds to me like ur gf is young grown women don't care bout stuff like that ;)
outoftown 27
Making you **** look like something that's been in the refrigerator waaay too long? Let's hope you bought a variety pack of colors.
stoych 19
Kudos on using a condom but green????....... Dude, I would have said no too. I would have felt like I was just about to blow the Hulk...