Today, I was intimate with my girlfriend for the first time, after watching an episode of Jimmy Neutron. I got so excited that I came in less than 20 seconds and yelled, "Brain blast!" as I did. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try “things” while under the influence. I suggested he go down on me; he thought about it for a second and then said, “I would, but I don’t want to get scared when I take a look.” FML
Today, my girlfriend is mad I won’t indulge her “Sleeping Beauty” fantasy. She doesn’t want me to just kiss her, she wants me to full on fuck her. Call me crazy but I just can’t get it up for a passed out person. Yes it’s consensual, but it just feels uncomfortable. She doesn’t get why I’m not into it. FML
Today, due to my blood pressure, I've begun getting an agonising migraine every time I get increased heart rate from arousal. We’re supposed to be trying for our first baby, but we’ve not had successful sex in weeks because I can’t last until orgasm before I feel like my head is splitting open. FML
Today, while I was asleep, my girlfriend squirted a tiny amount of “mild” hot sauce up my pee hole. In an area that sensitive there's no such thing as fucking mild. I’ve had two days off work already because it stings, and I cry every time I have to pee. FML
Today, I absentmindedly posted a story of me and my boyfriend to my main stories instead of my “Close Friends” list where my husband is excluded. My husband saw the post. I’m dead. FML
Today, I finally had sex, but I busted up her cervix, and now we are at the hospital. It was my first time, and now I don’t want to have sex again. FML
Today, and like every month, my husband goes through the wastebasket and checks my used pads for proof that I’m not lying about being on my period to get out of sex, all because once, I didn’t feel like having sex and said I was on my period, even though I wasn’t. He found out I lied because he saw my clean pad. FML
Today, I meant to send a nice picture of the flowers my boyfriend got me set up in a vase on my nightstand. Turns out I sent it to his mom. My vibrator was in the shot. I'm mortified. FML
Today, I took off my pretty lingerie and hid it in a pair of trousers that were already in the laundry. Sometimes, I wash it in the sink and dry it with my hair dryer before my husband gets home. Yes, he routinely checks for "proof" that I'm cheating. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of almost two years had kept nude photos and videos of his ex, whom he couldn’t seem to let go of from the start. We’re locked into a pricy apartment lease together, and I don’t have anywhere I can go. Thanks babe, love you. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dick is broken. We used to have an amazing sex life but because he won't take care of his jock itch, and his skin keeps cracking every time there's any pulling on his junk, I haven't really been laid in almost a year and a half. FML
Today, I was having the worst period cramps you could ever imagine. I cancelled the date I had with my "boyfriend." He replied, “Isn’t there some medicine you can take to make it go away?” When I told him I did and still had them, he said, “Fine, lose my number, I’ll find a girl who doesn’t have that shit.” FML
Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML
Today, I’ve met the last of my wife’s ex-boyfriends. She’s been out of touch with all of them since we met, but after seeing their shared looks, I'm convinced they all have naked pictures of her. How recent they are is the only remaining question. FML
Today, I'm over a 1000 miles away from my wife, and she's so upset and angry with me that she doesn't want me to touch her anymore. FML
Today, my new girlfriend and I finally did the deed. I also realized today that I have a strange kink. An outie belly button. FML
Today, a few days after getting my nipples repierced, my man initiated sex. Normally, I love it when he's a little rough on my tits, and I guess he forgot about my not-entirely-healed nips. Let's just say sex ended REAL fast. FML
Today, my girlfriend won’t give me oral because she doesn't like pubes, so I trimmed them; she refused again because they felt prickly, so I waxed them. Now she says I look like a little boy. If she doesn’t want to suck cock, why won’t she just say so instead of hinting she might if I shaved? FML
Today, the guy I gave up all my social life and casual sex partner for, suddenly decided that he wants nothing to do with me sexually, and then called me "desperate" for wanting to be his friend despite that fact. Now, because of him, I'm no longer getting laid, and I have no friends. FML
Today, I stopped using porn by blocking it on my phone and laptop. Only problem is I still get off without it. FML
Today, my husband woke me up by whispering, "Can I roast my meat rod in your fudge oven?" FML
Today, I walked to my boyfriend's house, which takes literally 2 minutes since we are also neighbours. He wanted sex straight away. The walk took longer than the sex, by over a full minute. FML
Today, I helped my father upload his photos to iCloud because he was running out of storage on his phone. First thing I saw on his camera roll is a video of him sucking two guys off. He’s been married to my mom for 25 years. FML
Today, we discovered that our 14 year-old son is having sex. I was mad as hell at him, but by the end his dad completely took over the conversation, congratulated the hell out of him, and gave him money for condoms. If I wasn’t there, I genuinely think he would’ve asked our son for tips on infidelity. FML
Today, I saw a photo of my wife's ex sucking her boobs in her old phone. I'd told her about em, but she appears to have still kept them because it's a year later, and they haven't been deleted. FML
Today, I was having sex with my FWB buddy. Right when I was about to cum, he stopped, didn’t even pull out, and said, “Wait, I have to text my mom.” The guy is 23 years-old. FML
Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML
Today, my anus has given up the ghost. Now if I vomit, have a violent coughing fit, or orgasm too intensely, I will shit myself. Even if I have absolutely no gas or need to go. I'm scared to leave the toilet. FML
Today, a coworker asked me out and we’ve been on a few dates. I had no idea why she’d want to date me, until after we had sex and she started crying and confessed she was molested as a teen, and since her attacker was short and gross like me, she wanted to use me to work out her repressed issues. FML
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