Today, I figured out the medical problem with my wife’s legs. She likes to spread them so my cousin has somewhere to rest his penis while I’m at work. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he’s no longer interested in sex with me, as he just can't be bothered. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been stepping out for two years with her two best friend's husbands, our neighbor who lives with his mother, and a complete stranger she worked with for 4 days. She was also pregnant while all this was going on. Then she had a nervous breakdown, and I had to take her to hospital. FML
Today, after a long dry spell, my girlfriend started coming on to me in the living room early in the morning. Just as things were getting good, her toddler rushed in. Now she's crying in her room, and he won't stop sobbing and asking, "Why was your wee-wee in Mommy's mouth?" FML
Today, I received a dick pic from my partner, with whom, although taking a ‘break’, we were apparently ‘working on things’. He forgot to remove the Grindr watermark from his pic. FML
Today, I woke up and my date I'd had the best sex ever with last night had found the sex doll I hid in a cupboard. She'd left a note calling me a creep, and to lose her number. It was a prop for my brother's stag do last week, I’ve never had sex with it, I’m just waiting for the recycling bins on Friday. FML
Today, it might be the day I ask my wife to peg me. Hope it goes well. FML
Today, after my wife had been bleeding when we have sex, the doctors sent her to hospital. While she was there overnight, I decided to masturbate at home. Turns out it was me. I have blood in my semen and was shooting it into her during sex. Glad she’s OK, but what the hell is wrong with my balls? FML
Today, I still haven’t consummated my marriage with my new wife. She said no sex before marriage and I obliged for 2 long years. During our honeymoon, she kept making up excuses. Now when I sit down and talk to her, she calls me a “horny pervert” and accuses me of “using her for sex” and stormed off. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I haven't had sex for a long time, so when she got out of the shower I was ready on our bed to finally do it. Her response? "Really? Now? I just got out of the shower." FML
Today, I realized that the guy I lost my virginity to only slept with me for a bet. He confessed and apologized. He truly looked like he regretted it, so I forgave him and we hooked up again. Turns out this was a bet too. The worst part? I would do it again, because I'm really that lonely. FML
Today, my girlfriend's favourite thing to do when upset is lie next to me and play with my balls. She says it’s a comfort thing, like my sack is her emotional support toy. It’s a total pain, when she’s upset it’s lie down and balls out, but she never touches my penis, despite it making me horny. FML
Today, I’m bisexual and recently got into talking with a man after dumping my girlfriend. I had a “craving” for a man and when I went to fulfill my needs, it wasn't even two inches long. FML
Today, I once again had to apologise to a date for cumming too fast as they stormed out the door angry at me. I don’t get it, I’m in shape, I don’t watch porn, and I’ve even had therapy, so why can’t I last longer than 15 seconds before busting my load like an inexperienced teen? FML
Today, I found out a recent hook-up, who’d pounded the fuck out of me until I came all over didn’t get uncomfortable and ghost me “because he was just a fuck boy.” It was probably because a noticeable, large part of the sweat/squirt spot on my bed after, was actually my own piss, I just didn’t smell it. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the second time. He's really nice, but he's terrible in bed. He busted a nut 3 times before I could orgasm once, and he can't finger to make up for it. His foreplay is trash. I'm starting to lose feelings for him because of the lack of sexual satisfaction. FML
Today, I asked my husband if we could rekindle some of our old intimacy, get back in touch with each other’s inner selves, that sort of thing. He looked confused, then got a big smile and said, “You mean we can do anal again? Why didn’t you just say so?” FML
Today, in a holiday cottage, I was a little horny so I decided to watch some porn. An hour later, the owner barged in, screaming that I was not to use her internet for such things, that I’m a "loose slut" and that I'm "going to hell". The bitch must somehow have been illegally spying on my internet usage. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years confessed to me that she had sex with my best friend before she started to date me. Funny thing is, I'm bi and had sex with the same best friend at around the same time. FML
Today, I'm so sexually frustrated that I started to fantasize about men other than my husband. The problem is I'm my recently disabled husband's carer, and the man I'm fantasizing about is the one who his ex-wife cheated on him with. FML
Today, my wife and I had a quickie, then my wife left to fetch our daughter afterward. I wanted to work out, but after that orgasm, I didn't have the energy. I wrote my wife that due to my recent orgasm, I was too weak for sport. Turns out I wrote it to a group chat including my wife and mother-in-law. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said that I tried to initiate sex too often, and that made me emasculating and unladylike. According to him, men should be the ones to initiate, and women should wait until the man does so. Sorry for wanting sex more than once every other month. FML
Today, I learned my wife has a lover. He's more handsome than me, and bigger than me. I might've been OK with it if he wasn't my daughter's boyfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he insists I bit his penis during sex, and that I'm a crazy, man-hating psycho. It’s not true, I’ve just not given many blowjobs before, my technique stinks, and my teeth touched his skin a little. FML
Today, my date saw me naked, and was disgusted that 1. I shaved my pubes into a landing strip instead of completely bald, and 2. I missed a few hairs below my knee while shaving my legs. His actual words as he was half out the door were that he "wanted Princess Leia, not Chewbacca." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were finishing in the bedroom; he pulled out and finished on my stomach. Then he figured that was the time to quote Shrek, saying, "Better out than in I always say." FML
Today, I had a threesome with my ex and his female friend. He went down on her almost immediately, which he never did in the 14 months that we dated. FML
Today, I found out my awesome new boyfriend loves a show called Happy Tree Friends, about cutesy animals dying horribly. When I say "loves", I mean he masturbates to it. I'm running very fast and very far away now. FML
Today, I had my first "hot" dream in a while. In the dream, my husband and I finally got cozy and comfortable, but just as we were about to start our banging, our toddlers interrupted us. So, my kids are cockblocking me even in my dreams. FML
Today, I like it rough in bed and found the perfect lover to have fun with. Now I have to choose between going to work fully covered while it's 35°C and sweat like a pig, or to go lightly dressed and show a VERY suspicious amount of marks on my body. FML
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