Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML
Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML
Kat_Styles tells us more.
Kat_Styles 15
Hey, OP here. So as a quick update, there are several things I want to add. 1. My dentist was 65, very healthy, and his passing was very unfortunate. But now he's with his wife, who passed away from breast cancer about three years ago. 2. It says 'Employee' at the top because my mother was one of his dental hygienists, and I had worked for him as a secretary for a few months before he died. 3. The dental hygienists in the office obviously started CPR right away. They even shocked him twice, but he wasn't responding to anything. Paramedics took him away in an ambulance, but nothing they did was successful. It's quite ironic because my dentist always used to joke that he required his hygienists to have lots of CPR training, etc, because he was the one who was going to need it. We always thought he was kidding, but unfortunately, that was exactly what happened. 4. For those of you saying 'she deserved it' or 'why didn't she start CPR,' or 'her breath killed him lol,' understand a few things. One, I don't see how I deserved it, but that's your opinion. Two, I'm 19, I don't know how to perform CPR, and within a minute, there were three certified, trained, professionals tending to him. Three, even if it was possible to kill someone with your breath, my mom is a dental hygienist. My teeth are quite nice, if I do say so myself. Thanks for all your nice messages, and I hope you never have to experience something as terrible as I did.
Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML
Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML
Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML
Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML
Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted, "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML
Today, while texting my boyfriend, I noticed that he copies and pastes old messages so he doesn't have to write new ones. FML
james52 tells us more.
Today, the family I live with decided that beer is a more important purchase than the things we need, such as detergent, soap, and toilet paper, just to name a few things. Apparently, paper towels should suffice. FML
alyssuhh526 tells us more.
I appreciate you guy's concerns, but really I am fine. I do live with a foster family and they are the sweetest. I'm not in danger or anything of that nature. They give me clean clothes and a comfy bed to sleep in, and three meals a day. I turn 16 in a few weeks so I'll be getting a job at a local grocery. And no they are not "rednecks," they are just great Mid Westerners. It was nothing worth getting anyone in trouble about. Again, thanks guys!
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML
Today, my grandmother, who has Alzheimer's, cornered me in the kitchen and called the cops. My crime? Robbery, of my own house. FML
ScenicSubterfuge tells us more.
OP here, that thought hasn't even crossed my mind! That's scary! Haha, she's fine now, but we're already considering moving her to an old folks home -- she's in her late 70s -- so that'll be the next move!
Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML
Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML
Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML
Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML
Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML
Today, while mourning my friend's recent passing, my dad told me to shut the fuck up because "worse things are going on in the world". FML
Today, I went to the pool. As I started going up the steps to use the water slide, a kid no older than 10 yanked my swim trunks down to "see what's down there." FML
Blizzards tells us more.
Blizzards 13
OP here, he was behind me the whole time (he blamed it on his sister). Thankfully, he only pulled it down enough to expose my butt. I pulled my trunks up, but I didn't say anything and just acted as if he wasn't there.
Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML
Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML
Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML
Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML
Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML
Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML
Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML
Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML
Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML
Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML
Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML
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