Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML
Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML
Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML
Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML
Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML
Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML
Today, I noticed that whenever I don't give the homeless guy around the corner some money, my side mirrors get stolen. FML
nohobo tells us more.
nohobo 4
OP here. Only the reflective glass parts get stolen and it takes 10 seconds and a screwdriver. Dealership ones are sold on the black market for half price, though I got the cheap chinese plastic ones and those go missing too. Out of spite I think, since they have my plate number on them and are worth nothing. The police won't do anything, it's a common theft; they told me to get better insurance -_- . Car alarm wouldn't work either, the thief would be gone by the time I arrive. They got stolen 3 times, all nights after I didn't give the guy anything. And the guy is pretty much harassing me now. Like coming to my car to offer to carry my bags or opening my door (creepy, right?). I tried to firmly but politely tell him to leave me alone but nada. Gonna report him for harassment and if he comes near me again he'll get a face full of pepper spray, since that's probably the only way he'll understand. Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for your supportive/funny comments, they've made my day :D
Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML
Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML
Today, I discovered my friends have contests to see who can photoshop my pictures to make them even uglier. FML
nottheuglyfriend tells us more.
OP here. Lol, no, after a while we cleared things up. To be honest I set my self up for this because I tend to make the weirdest faces I can on purpose when someone takes a picture of me. They didn't mean it to be rude, they were just having fun with my strange photos. We set up a contest with all of us and now I'm the one photoshopping them ;D
Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML
Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML
Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML
Today, my sister and I went to visit my grandma. She looked at my sister and said, "You are just so skinny! You need to eat more cookies!" She then turned to me and said, "You should lay off the cookies!" FML
Becca34 tells us more.
Becca34 31
Hey, OP here. My grandmother has NEVER had a filter. My father has told me all sorts of stories from when he was a kid. After I went home, she felt terrible and called my dad to tell him that she was sorry. My sister, who's really my stepsister, has always been skinnier. So is her mom, sister and brother. It's part of their genetics. I've known them since I was little and think of them as my blood family. I've had body issues in the past, and that's probably the main reason it hurt so much. I still love my grandma, no matter what. Thanks for all the nice comments guys!
Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML
Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML
Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML
Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML
Today, during a family game of "Cards Against Humanity," I had to explain to my mom what queefing is. FML
lulinator tells us more.
lulinator 40
OP here. Yes, I'm aware (NOW!) that it isn't a "family game!" My sister-in-law brought it to play after our family dinner. None of us had ever heard of it before. My mom is very innocent, so hearing her have to read out some of the lines was probably the best part of the game. She was crying from laughing, my brother got a nosebleed from laughing, and I almost threw up. I also had to explain to my dad what "road head" is. Poor guy.
Today, I was expecting a card from my husband stationed in Japan, but he mailed it to my mom. Since I'm busy and don't see her much, she tried to help by mailing it to me. It's long overdue, and the post office never got it. The card came from Japan, only to get lost traveling from 30 minutes away. FML
navygirl96 tells us more.
Hi guys, I'm the author of this FML. To clarify I am not lazy or too busy for my mom. I work 10 hour night shifts and go to school. My mom is very sweet and was trying to help me out so I wouldn't have to make a special trip during my work week, and because she knew how excited I was for the card. My husband works 60 hour weeks so he probably didn't think about it. Thank you for the all the kind comments, many of you are very kind.
Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML
Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML
Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML
Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML
Today, I walked twenty minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML
Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML
Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML
Today, I was demoted as a bridesmaid in a wedding because I dyed my hair, and didn't ask permission from the bride to do so. The bride is my sister. FML
punkchicka4 tells us more.
Hey guys!! I'm surprised that this got published. I didn't dye my hair a weird color or anything. I went from a dark blond to just brunette because my sister actually suggested it months ago. She's been unbearable throughout this whole thing, but it's okay. I'm still going to the wedding, but as a guest now. :/
Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML
Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML
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