Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML
Today, since my alarm didn’t go off at 7 a.m., I awoke to my mother attempting to perform Necromancy on me “as a joke.” She wore a black robe and everything. FML
Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother rubbing one out. For the third time. I then had to explain to her, also for the third time, why pleasuring herself in the living room is inappropriate. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
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Top comments
benikora 8
Well if you learnt necromancy you wouldn't have to commit necrophillia
Voij 16
And what makes "necromancy" all that much more appropriate to discuss than "necrophilia"? If anything, only one of them can actually occur outside of fiction. Sooo...
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Comments (74)
taylolol 12
Huh
MidnaLink 35
Necromancy= raising the dead to life Necrophilia= ******* with the dead
taylolol 12
What a waste of a #1 comment sorry haha.
Flyndaran 10
Necromancy means communicating with the dead. Dungeons and Dragons misuse of the word should not take precedence.
planet_disturbia 9
necromancy is a whole school of magic in dungeons and dragons.necromancy is not resurrection .it's the raising of the dead,bodily.BODILY(necromancy is used for other purposes,communicating with the dead or summoning their spirit for divination)
PSYqualiac 17
#54, Necromancy is any and all death related magic. (Magic dealing with the dead, bot killing people.) It even says so in the name. D&D was mostly compiled by taking from various existing lore and altering it. They're not spot on, vut are close enough.
mistress_paz 30
Well the sex education is often supposed to start at home.
Nexpecto 28
They are ready for the impending Zombie outbreak, too bad there's no cream for that.
Gillett 23
#17 no, but there is an app for that!
Voij 16
And what makes "necromancy" all that much more appropriate to discuss than "necrophilia"? If anything, only one of them can actually occur outside of fiction. Sooo...
ronzi 15
Good one?
Tyrez 32
What's more appropriate to talk about? Sexual fetishes or types of magic?
kirasant 19
Yes, I agree. I can think of no reason OP's mom should have needed to talk to them about either topic.
TallMist 32
What's wrong with a discussion about bringing the dead back to life? I theorize such topics all the time as well as play zombie games and watch The Walking Dead and other shows where the dead were seen to come back to life. And are you honestly telling me it's just as wrong to talk about fictional stuff as it is to talk about ******* a corpse?
benikora 8
Well if you learnt necromancy you wouldn't have to commit necrophillia
acommonman 23
The way I understood it, necromancy is communicating with dead people, not reviving them. I don't believe that would be sufficient for a necrophiliac's interests.
EclipseCandy6 24
Who's to say that a necromancer is necessarily a necrophiliac
Narianos 9
#23 This makes some sense. The words necro and mancy translate loosely to "Master of the dead". Which tends to be why necromancy has commonly been associated with bringing back the dead.
SystemofaBlink41 27
I bet dead people could still talk dirty, though.
Garnetshaddow 30
I know the traditional definition of "necromancy" is just talking to the dead. However, I read way too much fantasy. So I always think of it associated with raising the dead or other black magic associated with the dead. I can't be the only one.
planet_disturbia 9
uhm it's still necrophilia.even raised by a necromancer it's still a dead body
PSYqualiac 17
59 Magic cannot alter the laws of nature by anycoven or religions rules. Dead is dead. The only instances of claimed success in bringing the dead to life, back to how they were when living, is when a god or deity does so. Nothing less. Anyhow, necromancy has had implications to other things involving the dead than just talking to them since the days of Alastair Crowley if I recall correctly. Communication was just the easiest and most practical. Attempts to raise the dead resulted in failure or if there was ever actual success, the results were never recorded. The attempts though have been around for centuries. The result just hasn't been achieved. 62 Depends. If it's raised and animated but not returned to life, yes. That is necrophillia. If it is returned to life with the soul returned as well... the body is alive as is the soul, so not necrophilia. I the body is returned to life but the soul and mind aren't there making it a hollow vessle eith no will or self thought, it's what you'd call sleeping with a coma patient...
toongler 23
oh god. I'm sorry, that must have been extremely awkward. FYL.
justindrew14 29
what is necomancy?
taylolol 12
Talking to the dead.
xMaeLA 24
Could've sworn #11 told you the right answer. Lmao.
DoomSkuller 28
Necromancy actually is communicating with the dead, usually in order to predict the future. Somewhere along the lines, pop culture got it misconstrued into raising the dead.
mikeylion 10
magic using the power of the dead.
Welshite 40
Oh dear. I think I got them mixed up too and am in the wrong profession. I thought I was a necromancer.
CitricAcid 21
What the ****?
gurbism 16
Quite a Freudian slip
PSYqualiac 17
No. A Freudian Slip is when you say something you didn't mean to say. Not when you confuse two things. An example would be if you told your parents you were hanging with some friends, but then you make a comment about one of them that you know your parents don't want you around. That would count.
gurbism 16
Good point. What if her confusion of the two words was caused by an unconscious motive to either have sex with the dead/bring the dead back to life?
BlondePsycho 43
Dont you hate it when your parents get to that age where you need to have "the talk" with them about not confusing sexual fetishes? I think my mother was equally horrified that i knew what a snowball is, as what it actually entails.
kaylae22 13
What is that?
StzaCrack666 18
youre already on the internet google it
ImTheAlpha 30
I'm scared to google it
BlondePsycho 43
Then google donkey punch, one eyed pirate, and the hog tie. Or just go right to urbandictionary.com and start surfing. I have a drinking game for UD.com, take a shot every time you find a definition that disgust you.
Gillett 23
#31 That sounds like a very quick and easy game to learn. How would you know when the game is over and who won?
SystemofaBlink41 27
It's your funeral...
aecribb 14
Whoever has to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning first is the loser, though they'll both feel like losers the next morning
BlondePsycho 43
The best drinking games have no winners.
valalvax 13
It should only count if it's not an obviously made up bullshit definition