Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML
Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML
Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML
Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML
Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML
Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML
Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML
Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML
Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML
Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat piss and moved further away from the other person, only to later get in my car and realize my cat had peed in my purse. FML
Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML
Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML
Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML
Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML
Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML
Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML
Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML
Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returned him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML
Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML
Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML
Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML
Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML
Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML
Today, my soon-to-be husband showed up with an animal print suit at our engagement ceremony. FML
Today, I discovered that the fire alarm in my building will go insane when I'm trying to cook chicken, but won't make a sound when my towels start actually burning on the radiator. FML
murtato tells us more.
murtato 15
Oh, it was posted! Op here, my now ex put the towels on the radiator after showering. I can't describe how much I yelled at him after having to put it out. Safe to say I'm never letting him back in again!
Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML
Today, at my job in a pub, I was cleaning the pub garden ready for closedown. There was a girl crouched on the floor under a table. By the time I'd realised what she was doing and turned around, she'd already finished, apologised, and left me to clean up her piss. FML
wtfamidoing98 tells us more.
Hi, OP here, When I walked out she was giggling like she was hiding from her friends as she was under a table. the disabled toilets is 10 steps away from the beer garden and the main loos are just up the stairs. I'm pretty sure "are you ******* kidding me" may have slipped out as she pulled her leggings up and ran away like a child. The wonders of some of the human race
Today, I understand the finer points of the government in Star Wars better than I understand the U.S. government. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
