Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came home while I was making a snack in the kitchen. We started making out and he lifted me up and sat my ass on the hot stove. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, I was in bed with the stomach flu. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to fart in the fan next to our bed, which caused me to vomit all over myself. FML
Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML
Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML
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Top comments
siggy_mcsigx 22
This could have happened to anyone who used the bathroom vent. It isn't your fault their house has faulty wiring.
Wizardo 34
All the pimps in the crib drop it like its hot.
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Comments (40)
dougschoonmaker 20
Shit happens
xx000o 27
That's one hot way to make a first impression.
Jay18 22
it's actually a shitty way to make first impressions
Wizardo 34
All the pimps in the crib drop it like its hot.
BoxFullOfLazy 25
Literally? You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
LittleRed79 39
Inconceivable!
megatron93 5
How did she use it wrong?
InfiniteSunshine 32
Literally means exactly or truly. If OP literally set her boyfriend's house on fire with her shit, the shit would be the accelerant and the direct cause of the fire. But it wasn't, it was the fan, and most likely faulty wiring, that was the true(literal) cause of the fire. So OP literally set her boyfriend's house on fire by opening the air vent.
species4872 20
#15 Who cares, The shit hit the fan regardless. OK
OnlyNeko 13
hahahahahaha #16 :)
InfiniteSunshine 32
Some people didn't understand why the use of literally was wrong, I merely explained to clear up confusion. In any case, if you speak English, then you should care, because using literally when you really mean figuratively (the opposite of literally) just looks stupid. It's like using the word "happy" when you really mean "sad," it makes no sense.
RpiesSPIES 27
Sorry to tell ya, #4 and others, but the definition of Literally was expanded years ago to mean both Literally AND Figuratively. The ones whom 'Can't even' succeeded in ruining words.
trollcrusher 17
Sadly, #21 is right. I believe that at least three major dictionaries have added secondary definitions of "literally" that completely contradict its original definition, which seems absolutely nonsensical to me. It's hard to believe that instead of trying to educate people on how to properly speak their language, we just mangled the meaning of a word to facilitate ignorance and laziness.
Zebediabolical 45
'Literally' as used for emphasis has literally been around for well over a century. That's how words happen.
trollcrusher 17
A lot of different usages of different words have been around for a long time. That's kind of a moot point though, because ignorance and idiocy have also been around for... well, a long time. Ignorance is a rather good explanation for someone using a word incorrectly. Doing something wrong for long enough doesn't seem like a logical method to make it right, especially in this case; there are so many words and literary techniques already available for expressing yourself figuratively. Changing the definition of the word "literally" to include "figuratively" serves as much purpose (and makes as much sense) as adding the definition "sad" to the word "happy". Okay, rant over. English sure can get me riled up, I suppose.
Janetemokid 13
It'll be a nice ice breaker for the next gathering. "Aye remember that one time I set your house on fire with my shit? Good times." Don't worry op it was just a freak accident!
siggy_mcsigx 22
This could have happened to anyone who used the bathroom vent. It isn't your fault their house has faulty wiring.
derpina72 23
OP was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't blame yourself OP!
jellythecutie 24
Brace yourselves, "shitty situation" puns are coming..
CalculatedRisk 19
Silent but deadly...
khadishja 12
well... shit happens
JosephKorso 15
This is like that ding-dong ditch prank where you light a bag of shit on fire, just up to eleven.