Today, I saw my 89 year-old grandmother naked. She just moved in with us and apparently, she has an "open door policy." FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is also a coworker, proposed to me in the parking of the store we work at when it was dark out. He came up behind me, and, thinking it was some creep, I stabbed him with my car keys. The scar will alway help him remember our engagement. FML
Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML
Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML
Today, the eye doctor told me I only had 90% vision on my left eye, and asked if I wanted treatment. Not being terribly bothered by it, I asked what the treatment would consist of. "We'll stick a large needle in your eye, and pump in some medicine." I quickly wished him a pleasant day and left. FML
Today, I'm 26-year-old woman and I've never had a date for Valentine's Day, never been on a date, or received flowers. This pandemic makes me think I never will. FML
Today, my girlfriend of one year broke up with me because I started having PTSD induced night terrors. On my birthday as well. FML
Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML
Today, my mom’s house is so dirty and cluttered, there's hardly any space left for actually living in it. Two months ago, she intended to finally organize and tidy up. Now, she's bought a trailer and is simply moving into that instead. FML
Today, during a programming interview, I provided the right approach and the right answer as agreed by the interviewer, but used some extra variables with proper names. Guess who is not selected for the next round due to those extra variables. FML
Today, I'm banned from the only working bathroom in my house because my mother is cleansing for an upcoming colonoscopy. My options are either a bucket in the basement, or wetting myself. FML
Today, I wanted to teach my students about history with dominoes. I thought the online video would be wholesome or relevant to history. Nope. The last domino was captioned "HENTAI." Students now get to explain to their parents that I exposed the word Hentai to their vocabulary. FML
Today, my sister showed me my arrogant, misogynistic, cheating ex’s Facebook. Since we broke up, he’s become an officer in the Marines and has traveled the world. I’m clinically depressed and in poverty. FML
Today, after finding out from my psychologist that I have a disability in reading comprehension, I tried to Google how to improve my reading skills. I couldn't understand what any of the articles were saying. FML
Today, I was admonished by a supermarket cashier because my mask had slipped below my nose. So had hers, actually. FML
Today, being unemployed and under lockdown, my idea of a party is driving to the dentist and turning the sound system up in my car. FML
Today, it snowed. Rather than enjoy the view, my roommate had to complain every five minutes about the mentally challenged neighbor shovelling snow all day long. As long as he doesn't shovel it into my yard, I really don't care what he does to pass the time in lockdown. FML
Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML
Today, my flat has turned into a pigsty. My flatmate decided to make the lounge his bedroom and it looks like a bomb has hit it. I haven’t been able to sleep, as he doesn’t sleep at night and talks to friends all night long or plays loud music. FML
Today, I poured myself a glass of Coke from the bottle in the fridge. While drinking it, I saw tiny pieces floating in it. Apparently, my boyfriend had drunk straight from the bottle in the morning, felt sick and threw up. He then put the bottle back in the fridge. I just drank my boyfriend's vomit. FML
Today, I got a new piercing because I was trying to be spontaneous. Now, I realize its placement is off and I hate it. FML
Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML
Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close the door as I've seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML
Today, it's the fourth day since I got home from hospital in a wheelchair after a car wreck. It was also the first day that someone in my house offered to do something for me. My father-in-law visited and offered to make me a sandwich. My response? I cried. My wife and kids laughed at me. FML
Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML
Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML
Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML
Today, I found out my husband is having a baby. Too bad I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, I went on a jogging date with a guy I'd been on a couple of dates with. I was a little worried that I wouldn't keep up, but I did and everything was fine. Or at least I thought so. After we'd finished, he dumped me. FML
Today, I felt suicidal and told my mum I was going to hang myself from my curtain rod. All she cared about was the rod possibly coming loose and damaging the wall. FML
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