Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML
Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML
Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML
Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML
Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML
Today, while already late for work, a cop pulled me over. When he got to my window, he said, "Oh sorry, I thought I knew you," and sent me on my way. I was relieved, but still got written up for being late to work. My boss didn't believe the story. FML
mcmacmick97 tells us more.
Just to clear some things up I was working the early shift, which I do on most Thursdays and Fridays. I work at a small diner that opens at 7 and had left my house around 6:40 and was going to show up around 7-7:05. My boss usually shows up around 7:15-:7:30. Now when this cop put his lights on behind me I turned down a street to get off of the main road I was on.I was getting my license/registration ready and all that shit and he pulled up to my window and said he was very sorry and he was just trying to say hi to an old friend that he said had the same car as i do. Now this road i pulled down didn't allow me to get back onto the main road, and I had to take a 15 or so minute detour to get back on track. I got there around 7:25 and my boss was already there. I was glad I didn't get a ticket, but it was still very frustrating because I would've only been a couple minutes late and my boss would never have known, but the police officer threw my time off. And ive only been working there for about 3 or so weeks so it sucks to get off on the wrong foot. I also noticed several of you talking about how many write-ups you can get before being fired, and for mine it's 3. Like somebody else said just sucks to waste one already, but i shouldnt have too much of a problem keeping myself in check. Now for the story I told him, I figured he wouldn't believe it, but had to tell anyway. He seemed more irritated that I was "lying" about being late so i probably shouldnt have even bothered. But thanks FML for posting!
Today, I brought home my 3D glasses after a movie. I had a laugh about it until I realized that I put my $100 sunglasses in the recycle box outside of the theatre instead. FML
Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML
Today, my co-worker started talking in third person. Not only that, but he narrates his daily tasks. "Jeff reached for a stapler", "Jeff stapled a report". I have to sit beside this chimp for 8 hours a day, and nothing I say can end this. FML
war_monkey tells us more.
It started on april fools with some very lame joke and he has decided to carry on with it and screw around. Thanks for all of the funny comments and yes, I wanted to punch jeff in the face. He has stopped and I showed him the published FML, XD.
Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said, "Excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML
Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML
Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML
Today, my teacher used an online program and accused me of plagiarism. According to the program, I plagiarized my own last name. FML
zoegirl_455 tells us more.
zoegirl_455 30
Surprised this got posted guess it's twenty times the charm. So yes this fml needs a ton of explanation. The program my teacher used is turn it in. My percentage of plagiarism is 22%. Some of what is highlighted as plagiarism is my works cited and my last name, there's also some parts of sentences that are apparently plagiarized also. The paper was on historical events so much of what is highlighted are dates, names, and events. The things that my teacher said were "word from word from turn it in" were descriptions of historical events and similar things, and they were phrases, not whole sentences. When I looked at the source of plagiarism my words were apparently copied from a website I've never heard of, a student paper that I'm pretty sure is from another state, and a website I did use as a source in my paper and did cite. I did not plagiarize my paper, I spent a whole week writing it and a good portion of my weekend editing it. The most frustrating thing is that many people from my class spit out a paper two hours before it was due and got a higher grade. I am planning to talk to my teacher after school and clear this up. It's pretty ridiculous because in all my 12 years of school I've never been accused of this sooo I'm hoping my teacher will be able to understand. To clear up the meaning of the FML, I was trying to say that my teacher basically used some program on the Internet to accuse me of plagiarism that just highlights anything that is remotely similar to something else, which resulted in a higher percentage of plagiarism. Hopefully this explanation wasn't too confusing and this cleared everything up!
Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML
Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and that we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML
Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML
Today, a customer threw his hot coffee all over me, because it was taking "too long" for their credit card to be approved. FML
cwl727 tells us more.
cwl727 33
So I am doing a follow up on this because for some reason a different name was put as the author, I have contacted FML about it. This happened about 2 years ago when I worked at a theme park in Orlando. The guy was buying tickets and I told him that the computer told me I had to call the credit card company. I asked if he wanted me to use a different card and he said no and was fine with me calling to get authorization. I was on hold with the company and it was taking too long for him. He started complaining and I told him I was on hold but instead of calming down he threw his coffee on me. It was not scorching hot but it was hot enough that it did burn a bit. Security came over and escorted him off the premises and he is now banned from the entire company's property. I didn't sue in fact it was just another story to tell my friends and family.
Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML
Today, my obsession with replying "Your Mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I'd done with my pencil. FML
Today, my in-laws moved in. FML
Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML
Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML
Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML
Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML
Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML
Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML
Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML
Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML
Today, I really needed to be cheered up a bit after having had a horrible, depressing weekend. Luckily the guy I've been dating for some time, and who I really like, invited me over for dinner. Apparently, he wanted to see me so he could tell me he thinks we should stop seeing each other. FML
doemetoch tells us more.
doemetoch 28
OP here (yeah, I decided to make an account.) You're all right about him being very polite and all that, he was super sweet and mature about it and I could see he felt genuinely bad. But you know... somehow it's easier if a guy breaks up in a stupid way, at least then you're like "ugh, whatever, I deserve better than this anyway!" Or is that just me?
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