Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML
Today, my dad found out I recently tried weed. He called me a useless waste of air and grounded me for the rest of the year. Then he went outside and smoked his third cigarette of the morning. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to make me hold an unlit cigarette before FaceTiming my mom so he could prank her by saying, "He's got a new habit." My mom did not find it funny, especially when I mentioned to her that I did not willingly participate. Now I'm stuck in this car, listening to them argue. FML
Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML
Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding." This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML
Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML
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Top comments
Sagan928 7
Can you talk to your mother about it? Erratic behavior can sometimes be a hint that there's a medical issue. Mid-life crisis is usually when men buy a sports car and start dating young women.
rhysfucker 24
I thought midlife crisis stuff was supposed to be fun, like fast cars and 23 year old co-eds, not taking up smoking and muttering like a crazy old man. Maybe he needs lessons.
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Comments (47)
Firedragoncody 7
Well dang.
CheeseTron 15
Dang well.
Clay_Pidgeon 11
Gnad llew.
DKjazz 20
Gonad llama
Lacist 19
Shut up.
blueboy154 12
He must be Having problems right Now?
Indianboy9321 25
That's what a midlife crisis is...
blueboy154 12
Look at the third comment And then talk to me
blueboy154 12
Look at the third comment And then talk to me.
clemsi 20
I'm pretty sure he knows what the third comment is
Sagan928 7
Can you talk to your mother about it? Erratic behavior can sometimes be a hint that there's a medical issue. Mid-life crisis is usually when men buy a sports car and start dating young women.
Freethaawave 19
When my dad had his midlife crisis he acted like a teenage girl. It was not fun.
Credibleskills 28
Thats the stereotypical mid life crisis
1947Chevy 17
Not if they can't afford a sports car. Cigarets are expensive but not $50,000 expensive and that's on the low end
rhysfucker 24
I thought midlife crisis stuff was supposed to be fun, like fast cars and 23 year old co-eds, not taking up smoking and muttering like a crazy old man. Maybe he needs lessons.
classiceagle63 16
You'll hit it eventually.
CheeseTron 15
make him a cuntlette tomorrow for breakfast in bed.
cjwayy 22
My father has been hitting his midlife crisis in intervals. He buys a big fancy new car every year and he's currently in talks of getting a tattoo. Of a dragon and a tiger. Sigh.
infernno 23
You say that like a tattoo of a dragon and tiger wouldn't look totally badass.
olpally 33
Smoking isn't the best for this situation. Hope he stops soon.
ThomasBombadil 31
Mid-life, young-life, old-life...crisis's suck. Your dad needs a hug.
damnit1989 16
I must say, I love your username. Not many people know that man is!
heymarissa97 2
Aren't men supposed to buy yellow sports cars and date younger women when they're going through their mid-life crisis?
cjwayy 22
Not always. It can be anything from going on a lavish vacation to a new wardrobe, selling your house, buying a boat, etc. whatever makes the person in question feel more youthful.