Nearly FMLs

By SmexyMan - 24/10/2018 21:10

Today, I had just finished having sex with my girlfriend for the first time. She finished me in her mouth. A couple minutes later I kissed her, apprently she hadn't swallowed. Instead she spit it in my mouth. My immediate reaction was to puke... into her mouth. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 33

By defectivesuperhero - 22/10/2018 19:44

Today, my MIL told me that since I have never been pregnant, I know nothing about it. Her daughter is six months pregnant and still drinks every weekend and smokes every day, but I'm the idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 1

By Jess - 22/10/2018 17:30

Today, I asked a couple who had been double charged whether they wanted a refund or an exchange. They began yelling about how I needed to give them their money back and that it was my fault. They then demanded that I be fired for being rude when I clarified what "refund or exchange" meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 114

By Roman - 22/10/2018 15:06

Today I took my wife out for our 10th anniversary dinner. All she did all night was bitch about an ex boyfriend she ran into today who dumped her years before we met. She got herself so worked up she ran out crying while the whole restaurant gave me the evil eye like it was my fault FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 2

By Mar13irc - 22/10/2018 12:20

Today, it was my first day of a new job and to start it off I spilt coffee down my new shirt, I forgot my extra nipple rags (breastfeeding) so I was leaking through by lunch, I found out I had spit up down the back of my shirt, and to top it off I fell in front of my boss, ripping my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 5

By Laura - 22/10/2018 01:39 - United States - Granville

Today I was returning home for fall break. I've been really nervous about whether I've made the right choices in life. I was excited to see my cat of 13 years to calm my nerves. I found out my cat died two days ago. My mom didn't tell me, so I wouldn't be distracted from my studies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 4

By Mattyg69 - 22/10/2018 05:49

Today I was FaceTiming with my girlfriend. She was topless, and wanted me to take a couple live photos to send to her. I took a couple then sent them to her, but it wasn’t her that I sent them to...it was my mom. Had to call my mom and explain how to delete photos from a conversation FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 40

By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 03:13

Today, my car that is parked on the curb, legally. was hit by an Uber driver. At 4 o’clock in the morning. Her excuse? ”I thought I saw something run across the road, and I swerved”. I drive for my job and I have a 5 hour business trip in the morning.... FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 1

By Thommie - 21/10/2018 23:56

Today is the day after I met my online girlfriend of 10 months. I have autism. Since I live in Scotland and she lives in Greece, I probably won’t meet her again for a while. On our date, she hinted about kissing me. I’m autistic. I didn’t notice. I missed my first ever kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 6

By Some_person_223 - 21/10/2018 13:28

Today, I confessed to my best friend that Im in love with her. We spoke for months, every day, all day, about everything and nothing and during that time I fell for her... She told me multiple times how she cares for me, and that she always will.When I told her how I fell she said "I don't care".FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 5

By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 13:22

Today, when drunk as hell i managed to hide my bank card from myself so well that it took me 4 hours to find it next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 28

By uhhhhhhhhhh - 21/10/2018 16:46 - Australia - Elanora

Today I was drinking ginger beer and decided to put it down on the floor. I came back to it later to continue drinking, i drank it until it was almost empty and then felt something inside the can. I imediatly stopped and when outside to empty it. A cockroach without a wing fell out. I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 16

By MMadd - 21/10/2018 05:48

Today, I had to pee really bad at work. As I quickly sat down I realized I sat in something warm and wet. Someone had just relieved themselves all over the toilet, and I sat in it, and it touched my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 9

By SouthernHospitality - 20/10/2018 20:00 - United States - Mcpherson

Today, my mentally disabled brother chose to come out to our entire southern family while he was giving a eulogy at our grandfather's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 87

By GagMeUp - 21/10/2018 00:41 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, while working at a restaurant, a customer complained about his food and drink tasting funny. I tried to find out what was wrong until I saw he only had one brown tooth and breath smelling like a corpses anus. I still had to give him free replacements, and lean over to give him them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 5

By Kid with bad luck - 20/10/2018 20:46

Today I was in study hall and my phone started to lag out, frustrated, I shook it. My phone's flashlight turns on when it is shook. It turned on while it was aiming at a girl a year older than me who has a decently-sized butt. I was called out for taking a picture of her butt and got suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 10

By Goody Procter - 20/10/2018 07:58 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, I just found out that the massive operation I am going to have in my mouth will be only a few days before my birthday. I will not be able to talk or eat anything that isn't soup.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 2

By FartJokesAreFunny - 20/10/2018 04:07

Today, while at luch with a bunch of co-workers, my boss yelled at me for laughing at an accidental fart joke he made, saying I needed to grow up and stop acting like a child. Then proceeded to make sexual jokes and hit on a co-worker after lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 2

By "ciaraashley" - 19/10/2018 23:18

Today, at 39 weeks pregnant, I found out my fianceé of six years slept with someone else behind my back - and she claims she's pregnant too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 2

By MotherofGod - 19/10/2018 16:19

Today, my daughter is so addicted to winning, she'd risk her head being smashed in a door and her hands getting stabbed by several tiny chunks of wood just so she can be first at our entrance door. Her reason? She doesn't want to close the door which is the last one's job. I'm raising a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 4

By Nope - 19/10/2018 16:17

Today, I got the stomach flu. I haven’t been able to get a good nights’ sleep in two days. I also have my Midterm Exam (take home), a 4-page research paper, and a logo design project due next class. I can barely get out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 1

By emehi - 19/10/2018 06:21 - United States - Copperopolis

Today, a girl who admits I’m perfect in every way and can’t deny our chemistry decided to end things. Why? Apparently wanting to start a family after getting to know someone isn’t soon enough for her, so she’s going out with a different guy because he has a daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 11:51

Today, my father sent me a text message meant for his mistress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 2

By Nonna - 19/10/2018 02:58

Today, my grandma told my mom and my brother that she was proud of both of them. She stared at me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 2

By Helpme - 19/10/2018 02:52 - Greece - Athens

Today, I’m on holiday with my parents, and I can hear them having sex. loudly. The bathroom is next to their room and I badly need to pee, however they have been going for an hour and I don’t want to disturb them or traumatise myself any further. My younger sister (9) is in the same room as me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 18/10/2018 22:52

Today, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had a date. In high school girls didn't date me because I looked too girly and cute. A few years later, I worked out, gained muscles, grew a beard and they still won't date me because now I look like a fuckboy and I'll only break their hearts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 7

By Neverthesame - 18/10/2018 15:35 - United States - Newton

Today I found out my fiance of 3 yrs has been cheating on me with one of our close friends, I found this out after we began having stress with a surprise pregnancy, she justified it by saying it was just sex...FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 3

By Lanoa - 18/10/2018 21:30

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I love kids and I'm really happy, downside, I'm scared to tell my mom. She hates my boyfriend to the point he can't come with me to visit her. She will be so mad. I'm so scared. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 18

By "Abby Herendeen" - 18/10/2018 19:27

Today while working at a historic center based in a 1901 logging camp, I accidentally said "cunt" instead of "cut" when telling visitors about the work loggers did in said logging camp. The visitors were a bunch of youth group girls no older than 13 and as young as 8...FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 8

By Wiedo - 18/10/2018 19:50 - Mongolia - Bayangol

Today, my dog had to get a claw removed because of infected. After we got home, I sat on the paw that had surgery. For the rest of the day he hid under the bed and wouldn't come out, so I couldn't give him his pain meds. He spent the rest of the night howling in pain and I have to work tomorow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 56

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The Top

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 281

You deserved it 2 911

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 331

You deserved it 579

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 675

You deserved it 42 777

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 699

You deserved it 5 293

Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 586

You deserved it 5 720

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 526

You deserved it 4 895