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Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

by jules / 03/10/2011 at 2:53am / United States / Health

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

by pyroman1127 / 05/16/2011 at 3:34pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

by Sal / 12/05/2011 at 1:57am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, an incredibly rude woman came in for a hairdressing appointment. I had to put up with being yelled at and called a "clumsy bitch," a "pleb," and other insults for almost half an hour. When I finally managed to finish her hair, instead of tipping me, she spat at my feet and stormed out. FML

by scumdresser / 09/29/2012 at 4:34pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2011 at 7:44am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

by tipmeover / 01/28/2015 at 8:09am / Ireland (Dublin) / Work

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

by Bruja5 / 02/07/2010 at 12:15am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2009 at 8:54pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

by VCR / 12/20/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

by carsuck / 11/11/2009 at 12:55am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

by Hello Nurse / 09/24/2012 at 12:32am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

by cakehater / 08/21/2011 at 3:35am / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

by AngrySon / 09/28/2011 at 9:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous